This Ain't No Ordinary Glove Song

The Glove vs. Bits n’ Balls (20-5): Victorious

After a couple of un-Glove like defeats, victory was Smelt within the cosy confines of the most rectangular tourist trap in the world – the National Mall. Whether it was the soft/pre-pubescent tunes emanating from Chandler’s beat box or the fact the other team had some dude who thought he was playing cricket, the Glove brought the heat, with a side dish of humidity, to the old ball game.

Due to the shellacking, a couple of Glovers got to show off some hidden skills in the field. As always a list is needed:

- Cody showed how a left/wrong handed 2nd baseman turns a double play
- Aaron somehow pulled off a forearm sweat band with no one making fun of him in the field
- Jason was going to do something awesome with a grounder before upholding the long standing short stop tradition of booting the ball (a raised glass to yee Snakebite and Swinetech)
- Heather and Johanna almost wore matching outfits, but were still able to ridicule the man growth on my face
- Meghan displayed an uncanny ability to hit a softball directly at the gloves of the opposing team

Led by Skip Loin, the Glove finished strong this season and hope to carry the momentum into the postseason. Although we’ve had our difficulties in the past as long as we don’t stray too far from this axiom - “It’s not whether you win or lose it’s how drunk you get at the game” – the Smell will be delt.

Street Credit Rating:
Robb and JO showing up in tandem on bikes but not on a tandem bike (aka The Divorcycle): -12%
Trying to decide between “prostitot”, “divorcycle”, and “Fadam” as my favorite combo word: +8%
The return of fellow Glovette, Lisa Thimjon, to the after party: +21%
Watching Jason price shopping for hair products in the Teet: -43%
Final Street Credit Rating: 132%

Smell the Glove Player Profiles - 2009

Jen Yost

Nickname(s): Yostinator, Jswo, Flo
Hobbies: Cloud watching, dumpster diving
Strengths: Pyrotechnics, bottle breaking
Weaknesses: String cheese, bottle throwing
Wild Card: Her safety word is "potato" but she's not telling if it's french fried or au gratin

Tristan BannonNickname(s): Dr. Speedlove
Hobbies: Defending the American Way, overrunning second base
Strengths: Growing a mustache on command, stretching pop-ups into triples, displaying junk for photos
Weaknesses: Showing up on time for games, calf definition, wearing a team uniform, acceptance of the nickname, “Little Mermaid”, decency
Wild Card: Rides the slopes at the speed of love

David Silverman

Nickname(s): Snakebite
Hobbies: Anything that ends by 9:30 pm and involves taking a nap first
Strengths: Impeccable impression of Corey Hart (the 80's musician not the porn star)
Weaknesses: Still can't make them say, "Ugghhh"
Wild Card: Danced salsa in an audition to play trumpet in a Latin band - not to get laid, to actually make the band

Sarah Prewitt

Nickname(s): Jiffy Stop ‘n Pop
Hobbies: Hoops (earinging and b-balling), covering up her dirty Jersey roots
Strengths: Pool location, not working during summer months
Weaknesses: Navigating from the back seat, game attendance
Wild Card: Has taught softball to 3rd graders without knowing what the word “inning” meant

Ryan Flanagan

Nickname(s): Shadowcat, Le Freak, Eskimo Joe
Hobbies: Shuckin' and jivin’, tap…a little bit of Jazz.
Strengths: Leaping, catching.
Weaknesses: Leaping catches, receiving people for trust falls
Wild Card: Prefers syrup, specifically in church and prison settings

Robb Stout

Nickname(s): Flunk Ironscrog
Hobbies: Hair growing races with women, making singing boob recruiting videos
Strengths: Full grasp off awesome shirt technology, believing Jay Gibbons didn’t get a fair shake
Weaknesses: Facial hair, telling people about Milford Mill
Wild Card: Working on a new Air Guitar version that only plays Evil Steed songs

Peter Banks

Nickname(s): The Black Knight, Shamalamadingdong
Hobbies: Jiving turkies, bogarting, harshing people’s mellow
Strengths: Hitting to 3rd base, intimate knowledge about Martin Lawrence’s feelings
Weaknesses: Keeping things in his pants, John Daly’s
Wild Card: Has tried, and failed, to build a homemade robot in order to clean his bathroom

Natalie Pitts
Nickname(s): Nat Dog, Big Nat, Killa, Pit Bull, Coo Coo Cachoo
Hobbies: The Glove, blackmailing Tristan
Strengths: Left eye wink, cat buglaring
Weaknesses: Saying it but not necessarily spraying it, blue motorcycle drinks
Wild Card: QUEEN!

Mike Baker
Nickname(s): Miggy me, Slidefighter
Hobbies: Tonsil hockey, golf, running the shuttle run, reading
Strengths: Hitting to the opposite field, naked photo hunt, maintenance
Weaknesses: Regular photo hunt, throwing a soccer ball
Wild Card: May or may not be able to tie a cherry stem in a knot with only his tongue / Has his own softball bat

Meghan Curtiss

Nickname(s): The Better Half
Hobbies: Scrap booking, needle pointing, crocheting
Strengths: Softball skills, looking cool in a minivan
Weaknesses: Avoiding collisions, Eskimo kisses
Wild Card: Not sure if she likes Ketchup or Catsup better, but is positive she will cut you if you ask

Kate Ryan

Nickname(s): Killer, Space Buc Monkey
Hobbies: HORSE, horses
Strengths: Knocking back IHOP pancakes, being on a boat, running post routes on 8 year olds, wailing
Weaknesses: Movie watching, directions
Wild Card: Is really moving down to Charlottesville in order to apprentice at their local Renaissance Fair

JO Oliver

Nickname(s): Judge, Sweet/Rough Justice
Hobbies: Writing haikus about the Dust Bowl, stealing small pencils from Mini-golf courses
Strengths: Matching my shoes with my bags, making collect calls
Weaknesses: Late-night infomercial offers for motivational speakers' DVDs
Wild Card: State silhouette that least reminds you of Grover Cleveland's profile: Delaware

Johanna Smith

Nickname(s): Rumble Strips, Badonkadonkey
Hobbies: Buying crappy roof chairs, upper decking
Strengths: Extended air guitaring, putting 9 layers in the 7 layer dip
Weaknesses: Originality in the last name department, inability to not laugh
Wild Card: Can speak fluent Spanish, but hasn’t told Jeff yet

Jeff Feintech

Nickname(s): Jason Brown, Peter Banks
Hobbies: Dressing up like his roommates, saying “donkey” every five minutes
Strengths: Footwork, spotting Russian tourists
Weaknesses: Playgrounds, grasshoppers, melted ice cream cones, rainy days at the beach, angry puppies
Wild Card: Can pull over even further during any traffic violation situation

Jason Brown

Nickname(s): Browntown, Freedom and Dope Ain’t Free
Hobbies: Thinking up new ways to be more “Nor-Cal”, juggling softball teams
Strengths: Hustle avoidance, breaking roof chairs, thinking up stuffed animal names
Weaknesses: Stained comforters, sleeves
Wild Card: Likes to wear smaller body armor in order to make his “guns” look bigger

Jack Swetland

Nickname(s): Skip, Sir Loin
Hobbies: Animal husbandry, grimacing
Strengths: Can run down the base paths invisible to opposing fielders due to camouflage hat, sitting in chairs designed for pre-schoolers
Weaknesses: Game attendance, impending marriages
Wild Card: When threatened by competing males, will deliver a solid cock/tanit (correctly spelled) punch

Heather Fraser

Nickname(s): Wall Paper, Suzie Mcfancypants
Hobbies: Buggin’, Beddin’, Bed Buggin’
Strengths: Getting the most bang for her buck at the Ground Round, muppetry
Weaknesses: Maine, inability to give an actual high five due to hand size
Wild Card: Able to convince old women to give up their bus fare in the name of democracy

Cody Brumfield

Nickname(s): Stylebot 2000
Hobbies: Calculating digits of pi, women
Strengths: Shining, baby
Weaknesses: Understanding this emotion the ladies call love, magnets
Wild Card: Usually uses asterisk but if he's running a MySQL query, he uses a percent sign

Pete Chin

Nickname(s): Peter #? (I don’t know where I stand now), Asian Pete, Token Asian Guy
Hobbies: Writing fan letters to cast members of cable reality TV shows, turning red when drinking
Strengths: Rear naked choke holds, calculus, neck kissing
Weaknesses: New iphones making mine obsolete, duck sauce
Wild Card: Can control the wind

Chandler Lockhart

Nickname(s): The White Lion, Earthquake McGoon, Chanzula Th' Mic Rula, Chanzilla
Hobbies: Grave robbing, messin' around in the laboratory, talking to angels, talking to demons
Strengths: Power shifting….sexually
Weaknesses: Unicorns
Wild Card: 4 parts whiskey, 1 part lunatic

Casey Fromson

Nickname(s): Cassie, Cassidy, Cassiticus
Hobbies: Swinging between ropes, hitting up public pools
Strengths: Wheel chair stealing, rock to window calculations
Weaknesses: Window maintenance, bull rushing
Wild Card: Thinks saying, “Ahoy climatey” is funny for some reason / Needs a tricycle in certain late night situations

Aaron Bill

Nickname(s): $ Bill, AB, Meghan's Boyfriend
Hobbies: Driving minivans competitively, making origami cups for old people
Strengths: Rapier wit, plaque removal
Weaknesses: Sucker for cargo room in a vehicle
Wild Card: Can recite the alphabet backward while drunk, but not while baking

Glove Stinks! Whoaaa Yeah

The Glove vs. The Balco Bombers (6-16): Unvictorious(?)

The Glove has put together quite a few streaks this season – 9 wins in a row, Cody not making it past 10pm on a Saturday, and Jason not breaking a sweat on the base paths. But in the immortal words of some loser, “All good things must come to an end” (OK maybe just one of the previously mentioned things must end). Overcoming some solid Glove work by Mike, Casey, and Aaron in the outfield, the Glove was able let most hit balls roam free in the wilds of Anacostia Park. While this giving mood displayed the Glove’s virtuous nature, it proved detrimental to securing things like “outs”, “more runs than the other team”, and “silence from the dill wad in left field”.

You know what? F’ it. Here are some odds for Friday’s game against the nimbly pimbly team of Batta:

Odds on which girl takes the next first baseman that gets in their way down town to Chinatown (Pete Chin will be the judge of this):
2 to 1: Megan – She’s due
4 to 1: The JO – The gavel will be brought down one of these days
6 to 1: Heather – Bedbugs may cause itching, red marks, and bulldozing like abilities
7 to 1: Casey – Realizing that the first baseman’s glove was made out of coal and cap and trade might just put her over the edge
8 to 1: Johanna – Used to be called “Gymnasty” in her gymnast days
10 to 1: Yostinator – Usually she would be at the top of the list, but her injured knee and desire for “Rock Lobster” to played during any beat down, puts her in the least likely category

Odds on which corner infielder leaves the after party with one of the other team’s ladies:
1 to 1: Sir Loin – Not married yet and the ladies love a man well versed in managerial positions
4 to 1: Flanagan – Although whatever lady leaves with him is probably only giving him a ride to Harris Teeter, never count out a student athlete
9 to 1: Robb – Probably only happening if he talks about touring with Evil Steed back in ‘94
14 to 1: Chandler – Not going to be at the game, plus finding a girl who will call him Mike Patten is getting harder and harder

One last note about the game goes to Jeffrey Samuel Feintech who was the best damn player both on and off the field. He is also my hero of heroes.

Street Credit Ratings:
The other team having 2 red heads on their team thereby constituting a “ginger explosion”: +3% Fielding: -25%
The Skip finally buying (albeit too late) some PBR: +13%
Batting: -23%
Final Street Credit Rating: 99%

Don't Say You Glove Me Unless You Really Mean It, for I Might Do Something Crazy Like Believe It

The Glove vs. The Economic Hit Men (13-9): Victorious

Fresh off its recent come from behind win against the number one team in the league, the Glove continued its domination of the Congressional Softball league. Behind Pete Chin’s 12 put outs, the Glove took down the Economic Hit Men, or as Heather called them, in between stories about killing bedbugs, "a really unathletic looking team".

The Glove was first to bat and initially the game looked to be a blowout with 3 runs scored after just four batters, mostly thanks to Mike’s two run double. However, a few weak ground balls later the Glove took the field to defend its lead. The lead would be short lived as the Hit Men spayed hits to all parts of the field and tied the game at 3 going into the second inning.

Due to the recent win and ascension in the polls, the Glove had a batting lineup featuring 16 batters as some old faces came out. This led to a few scoreless innings, but the Glove was able to cut down on the number of double plays turned against. As the game progressed, nothing of note really happened. Mostly, Pete Chin threw the ball, the other team hit the ball to Pete, and Pete threw to first for the out. There were a few moments of comic genius, the first coming with Cody taking a spill in the outfield and Aaron jumping over him to avoid any collisions. This was not really that funny, but it did cause the lady Glover’s who were not playing at the time (Kate, Jen, JO, Megan, and Casey) to have to pay attention to the game and for a moment stop talking about climate change bills or wedding stuff. The second moment came when the Hit Men actually hit a hard ball to the outfield. Unfortunately, the left fielder was trying to figure out how kickball is played and did not notice the round ball rolling past him. Combined with the dead cement like grass, this led to a Hit Men home run, and from almost 150 yards away the cursing of Skip could be heard in the form of, “Run faster Mother F#*kin lazy A$$ *!O.” In the end, the Glove won 13-9 but it really was not that close.

The real entertainment of the night came after the game when the few and the proud made it to Trusty’s and later the roof of the 961. Some of the high/low lights.

-Kate getting smashing in Buck Hunter
-Jeff mistaking JO for Cody
-Jason almost burning down the house with a weak fireworks display
-Cody claiming he had 3 solid hits
-Robb stealing the wheelchair from Jeff
-Determining what law school ex-Glover Lisa went to
-Finding the origins and a picture of a NOLA Cash Cow


The Glove comes next week to face a team that scores 40 runs a game according to Jack. With a 10 person line up that means each person bats at least 7 times a game, yeah right. The Glove also takes on the notorious cheaters of Todd Batta and E Bez. They must die (just for three hours) and then bring us two kegs for our two victories over them.

Street Credit Rating:
Peter Banks didn’t show up, but he still managed to go 0-3: -34%
Mike Baker hit three home runs and only got one hit over his head: +0%
Cody Brumfield brought soccer balls (+24%), but also did a barrel roll in the outfield (-24%): 0%
Pete Chin, by way of making just about every out, is doing his best to get the gender bias overturned on the US Women’s Softball team: +p%
8 Glovettes, but not a single fan: +14%
Megan and Jack carrying on a conversation and still making a spectacular play: +27%
Swine Flu: -15%
Johanna Smith hitting to third base, but not getting to third base: 8.2%
Final Street Credit Rating: 156%

Guest written by Jason "Down Town" Brown and Jeff "Stop Talking Trash, Talking Trash" Feintech

Soul Glove

The Glove vs. Raising Arizona (6-5): Victorious

What a perfect game for a straggler to come by, hit on the Glovettes and drink our beer. This game had everything; spectators, team dissention, hits, defense, lack of hits, lack of defense, but in the end, the only thing that mattered prevailed: The Glove.

Taking on the (formerly) 12-0 Raising Arizona was no easy feat. For the first time in memory The Glove didn’t have enough guys to start the game, but no worries, Sara D came in as pitcher and threw a shutout inning. The bottom half of the inning saw The Glove take a 3-0 lead that would last until the fifth inning. Between the first inning and the fifth inning quite a few things happened:

1. Banks popped tires on most moving vehicles in SE DC.
2. Jack and Jen showed up.
3. Robb and JO did not show up.
4. The girl in the green shorts on the other team finished two gallons of sangria (more on this later)
5. Just about every position (except “left field,” said by the left fielder) made an error.
6. Marion Barry was arrested again near the Anacostia.
7. Megan made about 6 great plays at 2nd base.
8. Mike did not in center field.
9. The Glove hit or ran into 3 double plays.
10. Flanagan dominated third base.
11. Runs were given up, feelings were hurt, Jason snapped at most people, and Jack, fresh from watching Hoosiers, gave a moving speech that caused this writer to tear up.

Into the 6th inning it was a back and forth game with both teams adding to their totals. As the last inning started the Glove found themselves in an unfamiliar arena, down by one run; 5-4.
Raising Arizona did everything it could to add to their total in the 7th, starting off with a long double. However, then the unthinkable happened on a routine groundball to shortstop. The unorthodox 6-3-5 double play. This is when the girl in the green shorts lost it. She didn’t agree with the call (nor did other teammates) and threatened a castration. Fucking psycho. Anyway, Chandler threw a secret pitch that caused the last batter to pop out to Mr. Baker.

Now shit gets serious. For cereal. In the bottom of the seventh the Glove used some timely hitting, timely errors by AZ, and a fantastic slide by Megan to bring home the victory and a whole lot of street cred.

Street Credit Ratings:
Remaining undefeated while beating the other undefeated team: +88%
Having more beer than we have ever had at a game: +24%
Witnessing rabble rousers on the other team: +16%
Cody being out drank by a girl on the other team. -14%
Final Street Credit Rating: +114%

By ghost writer Jeff “didn’t have to work today” Feintech

When a Man Gloves a Woman

The Glove vs. The GPO (14-0): Victorious

Looks like the CBO was the only government agency scoring last night because the Glove blanked the Government Printing Office team with its usual abandon (If you ever were wondering when it is time to get out of DC it is when you start making jokes like that last sentence). Some excellent plays in the field – namely Meghan’s DP snag and some solid catches in the outfield – led to what may be the first recorded shutout of an adult league team since the infamous “Babaganoosh” game of 1975. The Glove also witnessed some timely hitting by the ladies and the Swinetech that was seamlessly balanced out by Flanacon’s decision to “untime-ingly” show up in the 4th inning, and Stout’s decision to be proud of a left-handed ground out to second base. Sir Loin and "The Feedmaster" Lockhart made some nice plays around first base as well, overcoming shiny white shoes and general malaise. And in conclusion, the Glove brings in America’s, and the Tooth Fairy’s, birthday undefeated and hungry (like some kind of man/wolf combo platter) for more.

Oh, and wherever Snakebite was I’m sure he dropped something.

Street Credit Ratings:
The general consensus that Mike’s bat is cursed: +17%
The Black Knight (me) using the old bat and still not getting a hit: -2%
The GPO’s 3rd baseman taking a solid off the neck and not crying about it: +4%
Still not making it through an entire game without some form of wetness falling from the sky: -15%
Final Street Credit Ratings: 143%

What Kind of Glove Are You?

As a team, we are the kind of Glove that never loses. While one other team in the league claims this is false, the Glove says, "No! We are but undefeated men and women!" It is still unknown if the win streak is due to replacing our picture, Mike's new bat, or the economy - as Jeff's claims. What is known, is that much like people, Gloves come in all shapes, sizes, and levels of disrepair. With that I give you player profiles 2009! What kind of Glove are you?

Skip Jackson - The Pulse Heart Monitor Glove: For he always knows the mood swings of his team. Especially when the beer runs low

Pete B - The Dirty Glove: One trip to his bathroom will confirm this.

Cody B - The Money Glove: For his is the only one who would wear a Glove such as this.

Jen Swost - The Wedding Dress Glove: See September 2009.

Kate - The Horse Glove: Space Buccaneer agrees and wants his old rider back.

Jeff - The Businessman Glove: Look out Paraguay, Ecuador's new finance minister wants its $ back.


Channdler - The USA Glove: The stripper pole in his house says it all.


Aaron and Meghan - The Ohio Glove: In 5 years this is what they will be driving around in their minivan.

Tristan - The Merman Glove: This is the only known merman to wear a Glove.

Flanagan - The White Glove: No one really knows how he spends his days. This could be one way.

JO - The Judge Glove: Let's just say she's laying off the Juice for this upcoming season.

Casey - The Biking Glove: Her frequent requests to bring her bike with her into the outfield has people talking...lot's of people.

Mike - The Fast Glove - He wore this Glove to help him get out of Iowa faster.

Nathalie - The Space Glove: Lockheed makes rockets, rockets need Gloves. It makes sense to me.

Pete C. - The Asian Glove: If you think this Glove is cool, you should see what comes out of his left pinky toe.

Snakebite - The Snake Glove: Due to his many emails, we let Snake Bite pose for this picture himself.

Robb - The Orioles Glove: This thing is as useless as Baltimore's 6 through 9 hitters.

Sarah D. - The Mermaid Glove: Sleeping with the fishes takes on a whole new meaning.

Heather - The Maine Glove: Ever wondered what Maine's favorite past time was? Well, this picture pretty much sums it up.

Jason - The Many Glove: This picture represents how many softball teams Jason currently plays on.

Here's two more pictures of Gloves - Just in case you didn't get enough (or are like me and can't figure out how to delete these bastards).

Courtesy of "Jason" Cause Freedom and Dope Ain't Free "Brown"