Smëll the Glove

This Ain't No Ordinary Glove Song

2009-08-14T11:52:00.004-07:00

The Glove vs. Bits n’ Balls (20-5): Victorious

After a couple of un-Glove like defeats, victory was Smelt within the cosy confines of the most rectangular tourist trap in the world – the National Mall. Whether it was the soft/pre-pubescent tunes emanating from Chandler’s beat box or the fact the other team had some dude who thought he was playing cricket, the Glove brought the heat, with a side dish of humidity, to the old ball game.

Due to the shellacking, a couple of Glovers got to show off some hidden skills in the field. As always a list is needed:

- Cody showed how a left/wrong handed 2nd baseman turns a double play
- Aaron somehow pulled off a forearm sweat band with no one making fun of him in the field
- Jason was going to do something awesome with a grounder before upholding the long standing short stop tradition of booting the ball (a raised glass to yee Snakebite and Swinetech)
- Heather and Johanna almost wore matching outfits, but were still able to ridicule the man growth on my face
- Meghan displayed an uncanny ability to hit a softball directly at the gloves of the opposing team

Led by Skip Loin, the Glove finished strong this season and hope to carry the momentum into the postseason. Although we’ve had our difficulties in the past as long as we don’t stray too far from this axiom - “It’s not whether you win or lose it’s how drunk you get at the game” – the Smell will be delt.

Street Credit Rating:
Robb and JO showing up in tandem on bikes but not on a tandem bike (aka The Divorcycle): -12%
Trying to decide between “prostitot”, “divorcycle”, and “Fadam” as my favorite combo word: +8%
The return of fellow Glovette, Lisa Thimjon, to the after party: +21%
Watching Jason price shopping for hair products in the Teet: -43%
Final Street Credit Rating: 132%

Smell the Glove Player Profiles - 2009

2009-07-31T06:29:00.028-07:00

Jen Yost

Nickname(s): Yostinator, Jswo, Flo
Hobbies: Cloud watching, dumpster diving
Strengths: Pyrotechnics, bottle breaking
Weaknesses: String cheese, bottle throwing
Wild Card: Her safety word is "potato" but she's not telling if it's french fried or au gratin

Tristan BannonNickname(s): Dr. Speedlove
Hobbies: Defending the American Way, overrunning second base
Strengths: Growing a mustache on command, stretching pop-ups into triples, displaying junk for photos
Weaknesses: Showing up on time for games, calf definition, wearing a team uniform, acceptance of the nickname, “Little Mermaid”, decency
Wild Card: Rides the slopes at the speed of love

David Silverman

Nickname(s): Snakebite
Hobbies: Anything that ends by 9:30 pm and involves taking a nap first
Strengths: Impeccable impression of Corey Hart (the 80's musician not the porn star)
Weaknesses: Still can't make them say, "Ugghhh"
Wild Card: Danced salsa in an audition to play trumpet in a Latin band - not to get laid, to actually make the band

Sarah Prewitt

Nickname(s): Jiffy Stop ‘n Pop
Hobbies: Hoops (earinging and b-balling), covering up her dirty Jersey roots
Strengths: Pool location, not working during summer months
Weaknesses: Navigating from the back seat, game attendance
Wild Card: Has taught softball to 3rd graders without knowing what the word “inning” meant

Ryan Flanagan

Nickname(s): Shadowcat, Le Freak, Eskimo Joe
Hobbies: Shuckin' and jivin’, tap…a little bit of Jazz.
Strengths: Leaping, catching.
Weaknesses: Leaping catches, receiving people for trust falls
Wild Card: Prefers syrup, specifically in church and prison settings

Robb Stout

Nickname(s): Flunk Ironscrog
Hobbies: Hair growing races with women, making singing boob recruiting videos
Strengths: Full grasp off awesome shirt technology, believing Jay Gibbons didn’t get a fair shake
Weaknesses: Facial hair, telling people about Milford Mill
Wild Card: Working on a new Air Guitar version that only plays Evil Steed songs

Peter Banks

Nickname(s): The Black Knight, Shamalamadingdong
Hobbies: Jiving turkies, bogarting, harshing people’s mellow
Strengths: Hitting to 3rd base, intimate knowledge about Martin Lawrence’s feelings
Weaknesses: Keeping things in his pants, John Daly’s
Wild Card: Has tried, and failed, to build a homemade robot in order to clean his bathroom

Natalie Pitts
Nickname(s): Nat Dog, Big Nat, Killa, Pit Bull, Coo Coo Cachoo
Hobbies: The Glove, blackmailing Tristan
Strengths: Left eye wink, cat buglaring
Weaknesses: Saying it but not necessarily spraying it, blue motorcycle drinks
Wild Card: QUEEN!

Mike Baker
Nickname(s): Miggy me, Slidefighter
Hobbies: Tonsil hockey, golf, running the shuttle run, reading
Strengths: Hitting to the opposite field, naked photo hunt, maintenance
Weaknesses: Regular photo hunt, throwing a soccer ball
Wild Card: May or may not be able to tie a cherry stem in a knot with only his tongue / Has his own softball bat

Meghan Curtiss

Nickname(s): The Better Half
Hobbies: Scrap booking, needle pointing, crocheting
Strengths: Softball skills, looking cool in a minivan
Weaknesses: Avoiding collisions, Eskimo kisses
Wild Card: Not sure if she likes Ketchup or Catsup better, but is positive she will cut you if you ask

Kate Ryan

Nickname(s): Killer, Space Buc Monkey
Hobbies: HORSE, horses
Strengths: Knocking back IHOP pancakes, being on a boat, running post routes on 8 year olds, wailing
Weaknesses: Movie watching, directions
Wild Card: Is really moving down to Charlottesville in order to apprentice at their local Renaissance Fair

JO Oliver

Nickname(s): Judge, Sweet/Rough Justice
Hobbies: Writing haikus about the Dust Bowl, stealing small pencils from Mini-golf courses
Strengths: Matching my shoes with my bags, making collect calls
Weaknesses: Late-night infomercial offers for motivational speakers' DVDs
Wild Card: State silhouette that least reminds you of Grover Cleveland's profile: Delaware

Johanna Smith

Nickname(s): Rumble Strips, Badonkadonkey
Hobbies: Buying crappy roof chairs, upper decking
Strengths: Extended air guitaring, putting 9 layers in the 7 layer dip
Weaknesses: Originality in the last name department, inability to not laugh
Wild Card: Can speak fluent Spanish, but hasn’t told Jeff yet

Jeff Feintech

Nickname(s): Jason Brown, Peter Banks
Hobbies: Dressing up like his roommates, saying “donkey” every five minutes
Strengths: Footwork, spotting Russian tourists
Weaknesses: Playgrounds, grasshoppers, melted ice cream cones, rainy days at the beach, angry puppies
Wild Card: Can pull over even further during any traffic violation situation

Jason Brown

Nickname(s): Browntown, Freedom and Dope Ain’t Free
Hobbies: Thinking up new ways to be more “Nor-Cal”, juggling softball teams
Strengths: Hustle avoidance, breaking roof chairs, thinking up stuffed animal names
Weaknesses: Stained comforters, sleeves
Wild Card: Likes to wear smaller body armor in order to make his “guns” look bigger

Jack Swetland

Nickname(s): Skip, Sir Loin
Hobbies: Animal husbandry, grimacing
Strengths: Can run down the base paths invisible to opposing fielders due to camouflage hat, sitting in chairs designed for pre-schoolers
Weaknesses: Game attendance, impending marriages
Wild Card: When threatened by competing males, will deliver a solid cock/tanit (correctly spelled) punch

Heather Fraser

Nickname(s): Wall Paper, Suzie Mcfancypants
Hobbies: Buggin’, Beddin’, Bed Buggin’
Strengths: Getting the most bang for her buck at the Ground Round, muppetry
Weaknesses: Maine, inability to give an actual high five due to hand size
Wild Card: Able to convince old women to give up their bus fare in the name of democracy

Cody Brumfield

Nickname(s): Stylebot 2000
Hobbies: Calculating digits of pi, women
Strengths: Shining, baby
Weaknesses: Understanding this emotion the ladies call love, magnets
Wild Card: Usually uses asterisk but if he's running a MySQL query, he uses a percent sign

Pete Chin

Nickname(s): Peter #? (I don’t know where I stand now), Asian Pete, Token Asian Guy
Hobbies: Writing fan letters to cast members of cable reality TV shows, turning red when drinking
Strengths: Rear naked choke holds, calculus, neck kissing
Weaknesses: New iphones making mine obsolete, duck sauce
Wild Card: Can control the wind

Chandler Lockhart

Nickname(s): The White Lion, Earthquake McGoon, Chanzula Th' Mic Rula, Chanzilla
Hobbies: Grave robbing, messin' around in the laboratory, talking to angels, talking to demons
Strengths: Power shifting….sexually
Weaknesses: Unicorns
Wild Card: 4 parts whiskey, 1 part lunatic

Casey Fromson

Nickname(s): Cassie, Cassidy, Cassiticus
Hobbies: Swinging between ropes, hitting up public pools
Strengths: Wheel chair stealing, rock to window calculations
Weaknesses: Window maintenance, bull rushing
Wild Card: Thinks saying, “Ahoy climatey” is funny for some reason / Needs a tricycle in certain late night situations

Aaron Bill

Nickname(s): $ Bill, AB, Meghan's Boyfriend
Hobbies: Driving minivans competitively, making origami cups for old people
Strengths: Rapier wit, plaque removal
Weaknesses: Sucker for cargo room in a vehicle
Wild Card: Can recite the alphabet backward while drunk, but not while baking

Glove Stinks! Whoaaa Yeah

2009-07-23T13:18:00.003-07:00

The Glove vs. The Balco Bombers (6-16): Unvictorious(?)

The Glove has put together quite a few streaks this season – 9 wins in a row, Cody not making it past 10pm on a Saturday, and Jason not breaking a sweat on the base paths. But in the immortal words of some loser, “All good things must come to an end” (OK maybe just one of the previously mentioned things must end). Overcoming some solid Glove work by Mike, Casey, and Aaron in the outfield, the Glove was able let most hit balls roam free in the wilds of Anacostia Park. While this giving mood displayed the Glove’s virtuous nature, it proved detrimental to securing things like “outs”, “more runs than the other team”, and “silence from the dill wad in left field”.

You know what? F’ it. Here are some odds for Friday’s game against the nimbly pimbly team of Batta:

Odds on which girl takes the next first baseman that gets in their way down town to Chinatown (Pete Chin will be the judge of this):
2 to 1: Megan – She’s due
4 to 1: The JO – The gavel will be brought down one of these days
6 to 1: Heather – Bedbugs may cause itching, red marks, and bulldozing like abilities
7 to 1: Casey – Realizing that the first baseman’s glove was made out of coal and cap and trade might just put her over the edge
8 to 1: Johanna – Used to be called “Gymnasty” in her gymnast days
10 to 1: Yostinator – Usually she would be at the top of the list, but her injured knee and desire for “Rock Lobster” to played during any beat down, puts her in the least likely category

Odds on which corner infielder leaves the after party with one of the other team’s ladies:
1 to 1: Sir Loin – Not married yet and the ladies love a man well versed in managerial positions
4 to 1: Flanagan – Although whatever lady leaves with him is probably only giving him a ride to Harris Teeter, never count out a student athlete
9 to 1: Robb – Probably only happening if he talks about touring with Evil Steed back in ‘94
14 to 1: Chandler – Not going to be at the game, plus finding a girl who will call him Mike Patten is getting harder and harder

One last note about the game goes to Jeffrey Samuel Feintech who was the best damn player both on and off the field. He is also my hero of heroes.

Street Credit Ratings:
The other team having 2 red heads on their team thereby constituting a “ginger explosion”: +3% Fielding: -25%
The Skip finally buying (albeit too late) some PBR: +13%
Batting: -23%
Final Street Credit Rating: 99%

Don't Say You Glove Me Unless You Really Mean It, for I Might Do Something Crazy Like Believe It

2009-07-21T12:01:00.004-07:00

The Glove vs. The Economic Hit Men (13-9): Victorious

Fresh off its recent come from behind win against the number one team in the league, the Glove continued its domination of the Congressional Softball league. Behind Pete Chin’s 12 put outs, the Glove took down the Economic Hit Men, or as Heather called them, in between stories about killing bedbugs, "a really unathletic looking team".

The Glove was first to bat and initially the game looked to be a blowout with 3 runs scored after just four batters, mostly thanks to Mike’s two run double. However, a few weak ground balls later the Glove took the field to defend its lead. The lead would be short lived as the Hit Men spayed hits to all parts of the field and tied the game at 3 going into the second inning.

Due to the recent win and ascension in the polls, the Glove had a batting lineup featuring 16 batters as some old faces came out. This led to a few scoreless innings, but the Glove was able to cut down on the number of double plays turned against. As the game progressed, nothing of note really happened. Mostly, Pete Chin threw the ball, the other team hit the ball to Pete, and Pete threw to first for the out. There were a few moments of comic genius, the first coming with Cody taking a spill in the outfield and Aaron jumping over him to avoid any collisions. This was not really that funny, but it did cause the lady Glover’s who were not playing at the time (Kate, Jen, JO, Megan, and Casey) to have to pay attention to the game and for a moment stop talking about climate change bills or wedding stuff. The second moment came when the Hit Men actually hit a hard ball to the outfield. Unfortunately, the left fielder was trying to figure out how kickball is played and did not notice the round ball rolling past him. Combined with the dead cement like grass, this led to a Hit Men home run, and from almost 150 yards away the cursing of Skip could be heard in the form of, “Run faster Mother F#*kin lazy A$$ *!O.” In the end, the Glove won 13-9 but it really was not that close.

The real entertainment of the night came after the game when the few and the proud made it to Trusty’s and later the roof of the 961. Some of the high/low lights.

-Kate getting smashing in Buck Hunter
-Jeff mistaking JO for Cody
-Jason almost burning down the house with a weak fireworks display
-Cody claiming he had 3 solid hits
-Robb stealing the wheelchair from Jeff
-Determining what law school ex-Glover Lisa went to
-Finding the origins and a picture of a NOLA Cash Cow

The Glove comes next week to face a team that scores 40 runs a game according to Jack. With a 10 person line up that means each person bats at least 7 times a game, yeah right. The Glove also takes on the notorious cheaters of Todd Batta and E Bez. They must die (just for three hours) and then bring us two kegs for our two victories over them.

Street Credit Rating:
Peter Banks didn’t show up, but he still managed to go 0-3: -34%
Mike Baker hit three home runs and only got one hit over his head: +0%
Cody Brumfield brought soccer balls (+24%), but also did a barrel roll in the outfield (-24%): 0%
Pete Chin, by way of making just about every out, is doing his best to get the gender bias overturned on the US Women’s Softball team: +p%
8 Glovettes, but not a single fan: +14%
Megan and Jack carrying on a conversation and still making a spectacular play: +27%
Swine Flu: -15%
Johanna Smith hitting to third base, but not getting to third base: 8.2%
Final Street Credit Rating: 156%

Guest written by Jason "Down Town" Brown and Jeff "Stop Talking Trash, Talking Trash" Feintech

Soul Glove

2009-07-09T12:03:00.002-07:00

The Glove vs. Raising Arizona (6-5): Victorious

What a perfect game for a straggler to come by, hit on the Glovettes and drink our beer. This game had everything; spectators, team dissention, hits, defense, lack of hits, lack of defense, but in the end, the only thing that mattered prevailed: The Glove.

Taking on the (formerly) 12-0 Raising Arizona was no easy feat. For the first time in memory The Glove didn’t have enough guys to start the game, but no worries, Sara D came in as pitcher and threw a shutout inning. The bottom half of the inning saw The Glove take a 3-0 lead that would last until the fifth inning. Between the first inning and the fifth inning quite a few things happened:

1. Banks popped tires on most moving vehicles in SE DC.
2. Jack and Jen showed up.
3. Robb and JO did not show up.
4. The girl in the green shorts on the other team finished two gallons of sangria (more on this later)
5. Just about every position (except “left field,” said by the left fielder) made an error.
6. Marion Barry was arrested again near the Anacostia.
7. Megan made about 6 great plays at 2nd base.
8. Mike did not in center field.
9. The Glove hit or ran into 3 double plays.
10. Flanagan dominated third base.
11. Runs were given up, feelings were hurt, Jason snapped at most people, and Jack, fresh from watching Hoosiers, gave a moving speech that caused this writer to tear up.

Into the 6th inning it was a back and forth game with both teams adding to their totals. As the last inning started the Glove found themselves in an unfamiliar arena, down by one run; 5-4.
Raising Arizona did everything it could to add to their total in the 7th, starting off with a long double. However, then the unthinkable happened on a routine groundball to shortstop. The unorthodox 6-3-5 double play. This is when the girl in the green shorts lost it. She didn’t agree with the call (nor did other teammates) and threatened a castration. Fucking psycho. Anyway, Chandler threw a secret pitch that caused the last batter to pop out to Mr. Baker.

Now shit gets serious. For cereal. In the bottom of the seventh the Glove used some timely hitting, timely errors by AZ, and a fantastic slide by Megan to bring home the victory and a whole lot of street cred.

Street Credit Ratings:
Remaining undefeated while beating the other undefeated team: +88%
Having more beer than we have ever had at a game: +24%
Witnessing rabble rousers on the other team: +16%
Cody being out drank by a girl on the other team. -14%
Final Street Credit Rating: +114%

By ghost writer Jeff “didn’t have to work today” Feintech

When a Man Gloves a Woman

2009-07-02T07:50:00.002-07:00

The Glove vs. The GPO (14-0): Victorious

Looks like the CBO was the only government agency scoring last night because the Glove blanked the Government Printing Office team with its usual abandon (If you ever were wondering when it is time to get out of DC it is when you start making jokes like that last sentence). Some excellent plays in the field – namely Meghan’s DP snag and some solid catches in the outfield – led to what may be the first recorded shutout of an adult league team since the infamous “Babaganoosh” game of 1975. The Glove also witnessed some timely hitting by the ladies and the Swinetech that was seamlessly balanced out by Flanacon’s decision to “untime-ingly” show up in the 4th inning, and Stout’s decision to be proud of a left-handed ground out to second base. Sir Loin and "The Feedmaster" Lockhart made some nice plays around first base as well, overcoming shiny white shoes and general malaise. And in conclusion, the Glove brings in America’s, and the Tooth Fairy’s, birthday undefeated and hungry (like some kind of man/wolf combo platter) for more.

Oh, and wherever Snakebite was I’m sure he dropped something.

Street Credit Ratings:
The general consensus that Mike’s bat is cursed: +17%
The Black Knight (me) using the old bat and still not getting a hit: -2%
The GPO’s 3rd baseman taking a solid off the neck and not crying about it: +4%
Still not making it through an entire game without some form of wetness falling from the sky: -15%
Final Street Credit Ratings: 143%

What Kind of Glove Are You?

2009-06-24T11:58:00.007-07:00

As a team, we are the kind of Glove that never loses. While one other team in the league claims this is false, the Glove says, "No! We are but undefeated men and women!" It is still unknown if the win streak is due to replacing our picture, Mike's new bat, or the economy - as Jeff's claims. What is known, is that much like people, Gloves come in all shapes, sizes, and levels of disrepair. With that I give you player profiles 2009! What kind of Glove are you?

Skip Jackson - The Pulse Heart Monitor Glove: For he always knows the mood swings of his team. Especially when the beer runs low

Pete B - The Dirty Glove: One trip to his bathroom will confirm this.

Cody B - The Money Glove: For his is the only one who would wear a Glove such as this.

Jen Swost - The Wedding Dress Glove: See September 2009.

Kate - The Horse Glove: Space Buccaneer agrees and wants his old rider back.

Jeff - The Businessman Glove: Look out Paraguay, Ecuador's new finance minister wants its $ back.

Channdler - The USA Glove: The stripper pole in his house says it all.

Aaron and Meghan - The Ohio Glove: In 5 years this is what they will be driving around in their minivan.

Tristan - The Merman Glove: This is the only known merman to wear a Glove.

Flanagan - The White Glove: No one really knows how he spends his days. This could be one way.

JO - The Judge Glove: Let's just say she's laying off the Juice for this upcoming season.

Casey - The Biking Glove: Her frequent requests to bring her bike with her into the outfield has people talking...lot's of people.

Mike - The Fast Glove - He wore this Glove to help him get out of Iowa faster.

Nathalie - The Space Glove: Lockheed makes rockets, rockets need Gloves. It makes sense to me.

Pete C. - The Asian Glove: If you think this Glove is cool, you should see what comes out of his left pinky toe.

Snakebite - The Snake Glove: Due to his many emails, we let Snake Bite pose for this picture himself.

Robb - The Orioles Glove: This thing is as useless as Baltimore's 6 through 9 hitters.

Sarah D. - The Mermaid Glove: Sleeping with the fishes takes on a whole new meaning.

Heather - The Maine Glove: Ever wondered what Maine's favorite past time was? Well, this picture pretty much sums it up.

Jason - The Many Glove: This picture represents how many softball teams Jason currently plays on.

Here's two more pictures of Gloves - Just in case you didn't get enough (or are like me and can't figure out how to delete these bastards).

Courtesy of "Jason" Cause Freedom and Dope Ain't Free "Brown"

2009-06-22T08:14:00.003-07:00

The Glove vs. The Killer Angels (14-6): Victorious

Realizing that the Mall was having trouble containing the repetitive Smell of victory, the Glove ventured out to a little slice of DC we like to call Anacostia. In honor of this great area, I have decided to list a couple of things I learned during our victory – in bulleted form of course (note: That will be my last, and only, dig on the ‘Cost):

Irishman can jump: Now catching…that’s another matter.

Pep talks should be left up to the pep squad: Black Knight 0 for 2 (pre-pep talk) Black Knight 0 for 1 (post-pep talk).

Steroids and intensity make the ball go a long way: I don’t think that ball has landed yet.
The “Spring Break” celebration has somehow morphed into the “Frottage” celebration: If you don’t know what frottage is I highly suggest you Google it.

Just because you know the rules doesn’t mean you rule: It’s cool – our middle fielders are used to getting that kind of a reaction from the ladies right around first base.

Drinking in the outfield works: Especially if you combine the two.

Roommates share things: I’m not sure if giving you roommate’s girlfriend your boxers to wear during the game falls into this category. Wait, no, definitely not.

Good victory Glove – everyone deserves a pat on the back or some intricate handshake that all the kids seem to be doing these days.

Street Credit Rating:
Keystone and Icehouse living harmoniously together on the same field without a jort or wife beater in sight: +15%
Arriving in a mini-van: -17%
Obama’s decision to make it rain during only one half inning: +14%
Trying to amp up the team by blasting “Pseudio”: -4%
Final Street Credit Rating: 117%

Big Daddy Glove

2009-06-16T07:27:00.001-07:00

The Glove vs. Pew's Your Daddy (10-9): Victorious

Lacking the pre-game excitement of tourists getting run over, the Glove harnessed the wrath of Mother Nature (read rain) and applied it to Pew's Your Daddy. Daddy's team might want to look into taking some of those antibiotics being fed to pigs - seriously guys let's drop the super pig fear and work on something a little more tangible - and use their new found "bioticism" to muster up some hits. Notwithstanding Chandler's pitching to non-contact, Jason's two inch vertical, and yours truly not waiting for his center fielder to get into position, The Glove played a pretty solid game.

The Glove's first farm team player (Baby Maeve) made an appearance at the game - creating a panic situation in camp Tristan regarding who has the skinniest legs on the team. Smartly, Tristan skipped the game and left the fielding and batting to his lady friend, Sarah D. Besides that possible awkward situation, The Glove enjoyed some good fielding by Aaron Bill at short, some timely hits by Brown, and creative pop ups by Cody. Team Pew's got a new daddy and it smells like Glove.

Street Credit Rating:
Another day, another opponent tripped by the Glove: +15%
Decision by some of the team to attend the Air Sex show: -12% (due to lack of participation in said show)
Holding the team to zero runs in the seventh: +34%
Lack of trust falls, sock puppets, and interpretive dance during the Yost's pre-game warm ups: -3%
Final Street Credit Rating: 123%

*This final rating can be doubled if Sir Loin forwards this blog post to the Pew.

Classic Heckling

2009-06-08T08:42:00.003-07:00

Where Is the Glove?

2009-06-04T11:00:00.003-07:00

The Glove vs. The Grunley Bears: Rained Out

Randy Johnson didn’t get to try for his 300th career victory and the Glove didn’t get to finish its’ softball game. Mother Nature…eat a dick. Dismissing the monsoon/lightning royale falling down on the “i” section of Jason’s Phone Doppler, the Glove smartly found shelter under a small gathering of trees, only to emerge when the swinging of metal bats or the swilling of liquid from aluminum cans proved necessary.

The rain also enticed some new/old faces to the Smellingdome this season, including: Aaron and his better fielding, hitting, looking, etc. girlfriend, a smaller/more laughable Peter, Jen Swost (the first Glover seen warming up for a game ever), Casey (pulling off a black on black on black ensemble – basically the “11” of fashion), and Peter “Anti American History X” Chin. All were welcomed to the team – although Sir Loin’s demand of complete memorization of the line-up may prove a little more difficult if future turnout persists.

And lastly, on behalf of most of the team, the Glove hopes that the Grunley Bears are better at holding onto their hammers than onto their bats.

Street Credit Ratings:
Having 14 Glovers come out and “dog the lightning”: +42%
Witnessing the Korean War Memorial come to life and not having a camera: -13%
Not providing our catcher an umbrella: +12%
Failing to perform some kind of jumping through cake reaction due to lightning (see: November Rain – Guns ‘n Roses video for a proper response): - 16%

Final Street Credit Ratings: 132%

Glove To Glove You Baby

2009-05-28T13:02:00.002-07:00

The Glove vs. the Brewmasters (10-7): Victorious

Overcoming a freak escalator accident (Heather), being detained by the Man as witnesses to some tourist getting what they deserve (Tristan and Kate), and the reintroduction of beer to the mix (Jack) were not enough to stop the Glove from cruising to their fourth straight victory.

Some key hits by “The Dopeman” Brown, The Mermaid (we’re just going to overlook all those balls that hit your glove in centerfield), and SarahX2 (P and D if you’re scoring at home) pushed the Glove forward allowing them to settle comfortably into the 10 volume setting/runs range that we have all grown accustomed to over the years. Also helping the cause was some killer Glovework on the left side most notably Feintech putting a lockdown at the hot corner and Snakebite getting all three outs in one inning (recently dubbed being “Venomized”) including an over the shoulder grab that made Cody stop sweating (only momentarily).

We were supposed to have a game this Friday as well, but some bush league psych out stuff was inserted into the mix by Team Batta, and now we are only left with our memories of putting a womping on them last year. I believe the uber-talented /understated Takaaki Ishibashi put it best in the classic film Major League II, “You have no marbles (Team Batta)”. Pete Chin, I mean Takaaki, I couldn’t agree with you more.

Street Credit Rating
Actually playing well for all 7 innings: +17%
Having at least half our team swing and miss at a pitch: -13%
Not falling on our faces while scoring like the other team: +8%
Inordinate amount of heavy breathing after hitting a single from certain team members: -3%
Final Street Credit Rating: 114%

That Smell (Actual Lynard Skynard Song Title)

2009-05-22T06:21:00.005-07:00

The Glove vs. Transport This (24-9): Victorious

"When the train's coming - get off the tracks."

One would think a team representing the Department of Transportation, otherwise known as Transport This, would heed these words of wisdom. Certainly a reasonable assumption, but, like the time Kate claimed to be groped by the Birdman on the metro, not always true. Luckily for all those on the Mall yesterday (including those lucky ladies/pre-pubescent girls who got to witness the power of Snakebite) the Glove is in the business of Smelling the truth and then following it up with a duel-like Glove slap. Confused?

Here are some examples:

Water is wet - Proven by Poolly McPoolerson (R.I.P.)

Pants are acceptable on the softball field - Proven by Tristan's unwavering devotion to the pantalones
The Glove knocks the crap out of the ball - Proven by basically everyone on the team except for Flanagan

From Jason's diving catch (the dive was documented but whether he ran for it was not) to the introduction of the knee first (power?) slide into first base by Natalie, the Glove industrially rocked (keep bringing it Chandler) to their third win in a row.

*It should also be noted that the Glove used many forms of transportation in our trek over to Trusty's for a victory drink, and we thank Transport This for this.

Street Cred Ratings
The return of Skip Sir Loin: +23%

Pete Chin being almost too cool on the pitching mound: -14%

Heather's perfect catching form: +9%

The pregame cheer of, "Thank you Jackson for being here....": -3%

Final Street Cred Rating: 103% (After some recalculating from the previous two games)

Who Wrote the (Record) Book of Glove

2009-05-20T09:23:00.005-07:00

The Glove vs. The A-Team (9-4): Victorious

Per usual the Glove was still running on empty around 6:30 with only a few players present. Partially this is because a few Glovers were suspended (Banks, Rob, Tristan), partially this is because a few Glovers aren’t adept with telecommunications (Heather, Aaron), but mostly it is because the A-Team, not necessarily being soldiers of fortune, changed the field about 6 times in the last half an hour.

But all was not lost. With a couple of borrowed players, one who went to Tristan’s school of baserunning, and the other who was Wade Boggesesque at 3rd base, the Glove proceeded to break multiple records behind the Asian Sensation, Peter #1 (in Cantonese his name translates to “throwin’ the junk”).

A list of records broken:
Most consecutive outs to start a game: 7 (+24% street cred)
Most consecutive outs on consecutive pitches by two teams: 9 (-37% street cred)
Longest no hitter: Taken to the fifth inning (+71% street cred)
Longest shutout: Taken to the fifth inning (+34% street cred)
Weakest play ever: bunt (The A-team Special) (-28% street cred, it wasn’t our team, but witnessing it affected our performance)
Longest game: 8 innings (+0% street cred)
Fewest errors: 4 (-43% street credit, normally this should be looked upon positively, but with these results the glove seems to be poised to play in the big leagues)
Total Street Cred: +13%

The A-Team, while formidable opponents were a little slow at times, getting beaned by multiple hits, calling strikes, calling a triple steal, falling down, calling for limitless bases on passed balls, and just general mayhem that is associated with Murdoch and the gang. However, they did bring and drink beer, even starting the 7th inning with a team chug. Still it was not enough to take over the Glove, who behind Cody’s fifth of bourbon (apparently the store was out of the flask bottles), Natalie’s multiple hits, and Jason’s three* homeruns (he only managed to make it to third on one) pulled out the victory 9-4 (through regulation) and 18-4 (through stoppage time).

By Guests Columnists: Jason “Freedom and Dope Ain’t Free” Brown and Jeff “Positive” Feintech

Don't You Glove Her Madly

2009-05-07T09:47:00.004-07:00

The Glove vs. AEI (9-5 in 5 innings): Upon official ruling of the most ruling rule book of them all that's a victory.

As my mamma says, “April showers bring May flowers.” However, this year April showers led to more May showers, the reunion of one of the greatest rock bands ever – see picture to the right for clarification, (only Rage, Dope, Deftones, Linkin Park and Korn rank higher), and the return of Smell the Glove to the field.

On yet another soggy DC day, the Glove took to the field against the American Enterprise Institute. AEI claims to defend the principles and improve the institutions of American freedom and democratic capitalism — limited government, private enterprise, individual liberty and responsibility, vigilant and effective defense and foreign policies, political accountability, and open debate. Unfortunately, this mission statement does not include sharing beer with your softball opponent. Due to it being the first game of the season, and possibly still hung over from inauguration parties, only a select few members of the Glove brought beverages.

With many minus the liquid courage needed to face a 10 mph underhand throw, the Glove had first at bats. The game got off to an inauspicious start when J Poz, also acting as half coach for the day, hit a solid double and was then caught in a run down between second and third, thus making it the first time ever in the history of softball the leadoff batter in the first team at bat of the season made the first out of the season by being caught in a run down. As he was running off the field with a dip stained grim, all Poz could say was, “I think I lost my dip!” All was not lost as Heather and Chandler, also known as the diabetic duo, both had consecutive hits and were moved around the bases with a double by the number four hitter. The inning ended with a fly out to the AEI centerfielder who promptly tripped on his face. This resulted in the number four hitter, who does not like to run, to think it was a good idea to try to tag up and score from second. He was promptly thrown out and the first inning ended with not one, but two base runner put outs.

Taking the field with a 2-0 lead, the Glove showed some rust; grounders to the pitcher where fielded well but where thrown over the first baseman’s head and the third baseman had trouble “seeing the ball off the bat.” In defense of the Gloves opening day starter, the Glove’s new first baseman was wearing sunglasses in what would soon be a driving rain storm, and the third baseman was still trying to explain why he was wearing a dress Saturday night. The first inning ended with AEI leading 3-2.

The next few innings saw nothing of consequence as five Glovers in a row were retired, granted all on well hit balls, but outs nevertheless. However, all was not lost for the Glove welcomed some new faces during this time. The Glove has two new lady Glover’s, both named Sarah/a. Apparently, one of them is not new to Cody for the following conversation was heard. Sarah/a: “Every time I see you, you are drinking Bourbon.” Cody: “Who the hell are you?” Also new to the team were Katie (girl from Tristan’s work) and the dude from Monster Truck Rally (instert name here).

As the Glove came to bat in the top of the forth trailing 5-2, the skies opened up and gave the Glove a savior in the name/form of Peter Chin. Peter, fresh off an off season of winter ball near a turkey farm, gave the Glove a 6-3 lead with a three run homer.

Between his duties as the token Asian on the Glove, and the game day coach of the Cal Bear softball team, this was Pete’s first hit in approximately 43 at bats. As he crossed home plate he said, “I hope this gets me back on track.” Yes Pete, we hope it does to, for with a 16 month hitless streak you were about to be sent to play for the Natinals or a kickball team. The Glove ended the inning with a 9-5 lead and held AEI scoreless until the bottom of the 5th.
In the bottom of the 5th, AEI scored one run to pull within 3. Then the sky opened up with thunder and lightning and players ran for shelter under trees and the metro. Coach Poz, in one of shrewdest managerial moves of the young year, called the game to which the AEI score keeper said, “But we had our best batter coming up!” To that the Glove said as a whole, “Yeah right! We’re off to Trusty’s.”

Unfortunately, only five Glover’s made it to Trusty’s but all was not lost as plans were made as to how best to mess with kickballer’s this year. Plans were made, and it is safe to say the Glove’s dominance and street cred will stay strong.

Street Cred Rating:
Having a full team for the first game this year: +90%
Jack, Jen, Pete, Snake Bite, and Kate for missing the first game without a legitimate excuse: -45%
Lack of beer and other beverages: -31%
Lack of Martin Lawrence references in this blog: -151%
Saying no to libertarians: +23
Winning the first game of the year in a rain storm: +186%
Final Street Cred Rating: 85% It a new year and new administration. All is good for the Glove.

By guest columnist: Jason “Freedom and Dope Aren’t Free” Brown

Radar Glove

2009-04-17T13:51:00.010-07:00

Here yee the start of the 2009 Smell the Glove softball season is nigh, and it is time start applying the Icy Hot/Lube to ye olde appendages in order to stumble out of the gate like last year (see forfeiture of our first game as an example). Due to some personnel turnover within the Glove, this season appears to be hotter, sweatier and sexier than the season before – and that’s just in Jack’s pants. In an ode to the Glove going one higher than the competition I have decided to beat everyone to the punch and hand out this season’s awards. Seriously, we don't have to play any games this season.

The Teen Choice Award (aka College Road Trip) Award – This movie is about an overachieving high school student looking at schools with her overprotective dad. Although Jeff put in a big push for this award (I don’t think he got past the title), the overpowering stink eye of Sir Loin wins this for…Jen.

The Why is James Earl Jones in this Movie (aka Welcome Home Roscoe Jenkins) Award – This movie is about a popular talk show host leaving the big city to reunite with his family in the Deep South. Visions of Brumfield’s sitting around in a big circle talking about how city folk “walk like this” means this award goes to…Cody.

The I Don’t Know Where to Begin (aka Wild Hogs) Award – In this movie a group of wannabe bikers looking for adventure by hitting the open road. I’m not sure if he’s hit the midlife crisis line yet, but any time someone grows funny facial hair and starts spending more time at home alone, it means we have to give them something. The award goes to….Robb.

The Old School Meets Middle School (aka Rebound) Award – In this movie an acclaimed college hoops coach is demoted to a junior varsity team after a public meltdown. (Insert Feintech joke here) Anyone who likes basketball and keeps a giant stuffed animal in his bedroom is bound for a public meltdown. The award goes to…Jason.

The Whatcha Gonna Do (aka Bad Boys) Award – In this movie two hip detectives protect a murder witness while investigating a case of stolen heroin. Both of these teammates have hips (still unverified) and I’m not sure I could choose two people I would rather see on Cops (for comedic purposes only). The award goes to…Casey and Heather.

The Deep Undercover Mother (aka Big Momma’s House) Award – In this movie an FBI agent disguises himself as an old lady in order to protect a federal witness. Does anyone else know what this guy does? Does anyone else wonder what’s going on behind those big mirrored sunglasses? Does anyone else wonder what this guy would look like in a fat suit? The award goes to…Pete Chin.

The Seaweed Is Always Greener (aka The Little Mermaid) Award – I’m pretty sure Martin Lawrence was in this movie. The award goes to…Tristan.

Your Daughter’s A Freak (aka The Black Knight) Award – You’re kidding right?

2008-08-22T15:49:00.026-07:00

SMELL THE GLOVE ROSTER - 2008

Pete ChinNicknames: Peter #2
Hobbies: Listening to The Corrs
Song That Describes Your Personality: "Breathless" - The Corrs
What Are You Looking For In A Partner: Ability to play Celtic folk rock, anyone with the last name Corr
Strengths: Unwavering support of sibling assembled bands, pop flys
Weaknesses: Not looking like the picture above

Casey FromsonNicknames: Thunder
Hobbies: Are you serious?
Song That Describes Your Personality: "Bicycle" - Queen
What Are You Looking For In A Partner: Inability to text message, memorization of all streets in DC
Strengths: Bunny hops, dryness under boobs
Weaknesses: Non-wheeled transportation, changing gears

Heather FraserNicknames: Slurpee
Hobbies: Toy shopping, supporting various Maine causes (like sucking)
Song That Describes Your Personality: Anything off of the Hollow Man soundtrack
What Are You Looking For In A Partner: A two year probationary period
Strengths: Forearm dexterity, baserunning
Weaknesses: Two headedness, desire to sponge bath roommates

Christian BarnesNicknames: The Moral Compass To No Where
Hobbies: Eye ballin, scroggin, anything ending in "in"
Song That Describes Your Personality: "Southern Man (the Maryland version)" - Neil Young cover band
What Are You Looking For In A Partner: Ability to play an instrument (preferably the trombone), someone without a compass
Strengths: Strong to very strong choices in eye wear, cheap bar tabs at the Pug
Weaknesses: Luggage without wheels, relationships lasting more than a week

Lisa T

Nicknames: LT (Yeah, it's hers now)
Hobbies: Judging other people's hobbies, needlepoint
Song That Describes Your Personality: "Hooked on a Feeling" - Lisa in the shower
What Are You Looking For In A Partner: Skeet shooting, anyone with the name Buddy Dharma
Strengths: Anything not related to softball, stink-eyeing
Weaknesses: Coastline, remaining in DC for a full season

Lindsay Austin

Nicknames: LA Styles
Hobbies: Dominating your world, being confused by big bottles of wine
Song That Describes Your Personality: The entire Nelly discography
What Are You Looking For In A Partner: Skilled in topiary grooming, aquasocks
Strengths: Overall gingerness, sportsmanship
Weaknesses: Love of the movie Deep Blue Sea, any math problem involving the number 3

Dave Silverman

Nicknames: Snakebite (apparently)
Hobbies: Shuffle Board, canasta, bingo, organizing vitamins...retirement is the shit!
Song That Describes Your Personality: "What I Like Most About You Is Your Girlfriend" - Special AKA
What Are You Looking For In A Partner: An oaky Cote de Rhone
Strengths: Impeccable impression of Corey Hart (the 80's musician not the porn star)
Weaknesses: Still can't make them say, "Ugghhh"

Jeff Feintech

Nicknames: Peter Banks
Hobbies: Stamp collecting, tomfoolery
Song That Describes Your Personality: "Choppin Broccoli" - The Vegetables
What Are You Looking For In A Partner: Symmetry
Strengths: Corn eating, kung fu, tangoing
Weaknesses: chicken salad, heroin

Jason Brown

Nicknames: Freedom and Dope Ain't Free (Brown)
Hobbies: Procuring giant stuffed animals
Song That Describes Your Personality: Anything with the word "baby" in it
What Are You Looking For In A Partner: Ninja like invisibility
Strengths: Powers derived from Alpha Dog, indoor skateboarding
Weaknesses: Procrastinating on large purchases, 3 inch vertical

Jackson Swetland

Nicknames: Sir Loin, Skip
Hobbies: Droppin bombs
Song That Describe Your Personality: "You're a Woman, I'm a Machine" - Death From Above 1979
What Are You Looking For In A Partner: Strong ACL's
Strengths: Brewing
Weaknesses: Moustache, soul patch

Robb Stout

Nicknames: Flint Ironstag, Bobby Sparkles, DJ Trent Balz
Hobbies: Rockin, Rollin, Whatnot
Song That Describes Your Personality: I am not sure if an instrumental song can describe much, but "Sabrosa" - Beastie Boys is playing in my head whenever you see me walking down the street
What Are You Looking For In A Partner: Near telepathic high five anticipation, above average flow/mic technique
Strengths: Impeccable typography skills, terrier ownership
Weaknesses: Belief in an over .500 Orioles season, zombies

Tristan Bannon

Nicknames: The Little Mermaid
Hobbies: Braiding chest hair, "borrowing" stuff from work
Song That Describes Your Personality: "With Arms Wide Open" - Creed
What Are You Looking For In A Partner: An appearance in the Washington Post goes a long way
Strengths: Wearing jeans designed and purchased for 4 year olds, getting self explanatory tattoos
Weaknesses: Getting lost in Uncle Joey's eyes, chicken wing legs

Chandler Lockhart

Nicknames: Whitesnake
Hobbies: Wishing his band wrote "Here I Go Again",
Song That Describes Your Personality: "Flock of Seagulls" - Sick Feed
What Are You Looking For In A Partner: One word - Groupie
Strengths: Eating properly colored burritos, melting faces
Weaknesses: Reconstructing melted faces, playing at places that require jeans

Poolly McPoolerson

Nicknames: Heaven
Hobbies: Promoting general debauchery
Song That Describes Your Personality: "You're a Towel" - Towlie
What Are You Looking For In A Partner: Looking good in a bathing suit (not really)
Strengths: Wet water, not attracting lightning,
Weaknesses: Keeping vomit outside my walls, winter

Jen Yost

Nicknames: Yostinator (soon to be Swostinator)
Hobbies: Historical reenactment
Song That Describe Your Personality: "Howlin at the Moon" - Hank Williams
What Are You Looking For in a Partner: Big beefy legs
Strengths: Teleportation
Weaknesses: Mosquitos

Cody Brumfield

Nicknames: Slowhand
Hobbies: Playing Blackie (my Fender Stratocaster) before aging, yet still rapturous crowds
Song That Describe Your Personality: "Born Under A Bad Sign" - Me
What Are You Looking For in a Partner: Pattie Boyd Harrison
Strengths: 461 Ocean Boulevard
Weaknesses: August

Anne Stiles Davis

Nicknames: Batting Cage
Hobbies: Archery, studying Russian, and classical Mongolian dance
Song That Describe Your Personality: Anything Hall & Oates
What are you Looking For In A Partner: I prefer a partner good at math, I can do the writing...we are talking about lab partners right?
Strengths: Hitting, catching, throwing
Weaknesses: Hitting, catching, throwing

Aaron Bill

Nicknames: $Bill, AB
Hobbies: Making glove scented candles
Song That Most Describes My Personality: "Atomic Dog" - Parliament Funkadelic
What Are You Looking For In A Partner: Someone not better than me at softball
Strengths: Meghan
Weaknesses: Meghan

Peter Banks

Nicknames: Lickety Split
Hobbies: Growing hair where there wasn't hair before, synchronized blinking
Song That Describes Your Personality: "Throw Away The Trash" - The Kids of Widney High
What Are You Looking For In A Partner: A full range of motion, Martin Lawrence
Strengths: Talking about feelings, hand holding
Weaknesses: Desire to watch the new Christian Slater show, wanting to name my first child Dad

Smell The (Biking) Glove

2008-08-03T18:40:00.004-07:00

It's official, the most recent track on the album that is to "Glove 2008" won't be as critically acclaimed as Sick Feed's rendition of Flock of Seagulls. Although highlighted by Snakebite's bad-ass preteen bike skid entrance, and the fastest man in the world, the Glove was more or less a no-show. According to the wire services, Heather volunteered for more work after work, Meghan taught Aaron how to play softball, and the rest of the team was at the local library reading to homeless (and illiterate) people.

Skipper Jack did garner up a team though. After pumping us up with a heartfelt speech stolen from "A League of Their Own", the six "real world" Glovers, and three substitutes from the PhRMA Innovators, including porn star Dulce, did make a name for themselves.

Cody, fooled by a deep pop fly, ended up laying on the ground while Pete Chin kept an eye on the UMass softball team (and kept asking if they needed another Asian). The real hit of the night was Snakebite who through 6 innings had a season low 14 errors. After competing head to head through 6 innings, the Glove came up one run short in the top of the seventh to end it. But we did sit around and talk about our feelings after the game, with Banks constantly asking if we could "hug it out".

Street Credit Rating:
Being outcheered, outgunned, outdressed, and outclassed by WAKA: -15%
Getting all of PhRMA's beer after the game +17%
Pete Chin hitting a double over the opposing shortstop's beer and Cody replacing said beer: +/-0%
Jack not being able to pee in public: -8%

Final Street Cred Rating: 86%

Provided by Jeff "Sucker Free" Feintech

Glove Hurts (Remix)

2008-07-27T18:09:00.005-07:00

The Glove vs. Ensign's 11 (13-16) - What's the opposite of victorious?

In an attempt to define Meat Loaf's epic power ballad question of - What the hell is that? - the Glove decided to offer up the suggestion of a win on Friday. And just like anyone who has decided to delve into the Loafdom of Meat - the Glove walked away from the game a sweaty hot mess, asking themselves if the back of a Volkswagon was really the proper place to play a softball game.

Missing some of our regular players due to bird-doggin (Christian), an insatiable desire for Labatt's (Jason), and a tacquito related overdose (Lisa), the Glove fielded a motley crew of misfits that included the JO's barefooted brother and his girlfriend. Tristan decided to wear shorts to the game to show his solidarity with the Glove's policy of "Pants not required" - although Chandler has submitted the necessary paperwork to override this policy. Don't worry, the paper work will be misplaced just like Snakebite's parents have suddenly "lost" his birth certificate after a fielding display that even left Sir Loin speechless. In other notes: Heather just missed a second boob related incident, Casey's bike is older than you are, and Cody's decision to switch from whiskey to gin was somehow overshadowed by Robb's pantaloons.

Street Credit Update:
Half our team wearing women's sunglasses (looking at you Jeff): -12%
The inclusion of the above Meat Loaf graph: +15%
Jack's decision to schedule a team that could beat us: -7%
Our sportsmanship was impeccable: +2%
Final street credit rating: 92%

For Those About To Smell (We Salute You)

2008-07-22T11:38:00.004-07:00

I thought it was time to take a break from getting my friendship on, and give some written word love to the Smell that is the Glove.

Whoever We Played on That Friday – Result: 7.4 to 7.4 (Tie)

Jamal, a low-level worker at a shabby amusement park with a medieval theme, finds himself sent back to the year 1328 after he falls in the moat. Before he realizes what has happened, he finds himself mistaken for a messenger from Normandy, enlisted in a plot to kill the tyrant king, and preparing to open a chain of fast-food restaurants, not to mention falling in love with the leader of the assassination plan.

I was swilling from Cody’s sheepskin for most of this game and cannot for the life of me remember much, but I’m pretty sure the above covers just about everything.

Minnesota 5 lb. Bass – Result: 22-12 (Victorious)

Little known facts about Anacostia:

Anacostia's population is 92% African-American, 5% Non-Hispanic White, and 0.6% men who wear jeans to softball games (Thank you Tristan).

The neighborhood, served by the Anacostia Metro station, cannot be accessed by a dead end dirt road (Thank you Heather).

The name Anacostia comes from the Nacochtank Indians and means “Gloved ass whooping”.

The combination of no hits from Anne, a groin shot, provided by yours truly, to Robb, and Jason’s hustle proved to be too much for the Minny Bass. The Loin also passed out Glove T-shirts to a select few new comers. Jeff’s offer to lead a celebratory elephant walk was quickly rebuffed.

Vista Cruisers – Result 21-11 (Victorious)

Just when no one thought the Glove could take it to the next level, there stood Chandler on the horizon bringing the pain (i.e. boom box). Sir Loin decided to celebrate by putting a feather in his hat (I’m pretty sure this is his definition of kicking it old school), and the entire outfield decided to forego the age old of tradition of catching fly balls in order to talk about their feelings. Surprise appearances included the return of Lindsey “Check Out My Sweet New Dance Moves” Austin and the JO gracing us with her judge like qualities. Besides that - another day another victory. Snakebite continued his errorless streak by not showing up, Aaron’s girlfriend was missed more than Aaron and Casey once again performed some killer bunny hops on her roadster.

Street Credit Update:

Christian bringing his backpack full of legos not once but twice to a game: -8%

Hanging out in Anacostia for more than 30 minutes: +25%

Lisa wearing the catcher mask provided by the other team: -11%

Pete Chin sporting some kind of chain of the non bicycle variety: +3%

Final Street Credit Rating: 103%

How Deep Is Your Glove?

2008-07-22T10:55:00.005-07:00

Fresh off its pre-season "friendly" and a night of roofying young woman's drinks at the Sick Feed show (Editor's note - Jason has been the only person seen with any of the roofied women since), Smell the Glove put together two wins this past week. While the glove may have featured players found off the Craigslist Personals, the official dating site of Smell the Glove, the Glove was still able to continue its dream of being the first undefeated baseball team since the 1869 Cincinnati Red Stockings.

In game one, the Glove faced off against the Department of Transportation in what would be the largest margin of victory in the history of the Congressional Softball League. While the final score would be 43, or 48, to 11, depending on who you ask, the Glove started slow. Some random girl who answered the personal add, "Tall Hands-On Man Seeks Softball Pitcher" was on the hill and threw so slow that every ball was hit to our day dreaming third baseman who kicked the ball around like he was trying out for the Cal hackey sack team. In fairness to our Skipper, he was still smarting about that Argentinian kid who was heckling him while he proposed to his war bride. However, after a few early fumbles in the field, a barehanded catch by the shortstop (who was really just trying to pull his shorts up), and a nice play at second by another random girl who answered the personal add, "Are You My Chuck Knoblach?", the Glove was able to get out of the inning and the romp was on. The game got so out of hand that in the fourth inning another random girl named Anne became the first player in softball history to make three outs in the same inning. After the game, utility outfielder Cody Brumfield said, "Wow, that team sucked. I can see why the Department of Transportation is in such a shambles and out nation's infrastructure is falling apart. I really hope those guys are not in charge of building anything in Louisiana, although we could use some paved roads". Replacement third baseman Robb Stout said it best, "Can we go to the bar now? This was worse than my rugby game last week". Unfortunately, for the Dept. of Transportation things did not get any better at Trusty's, for they did not know Jeff had been sneaking off at night to practice Connect 4. After his seventh victory in a row, Jeff did his best DeShawn Stevenson impersonation and then ran off to find some underage girls.

In game two, the Glove was feeling the effects of remembering those who have fought and died so that the Glove could play softball. In the shadow of the Washington Monument, Pete Banks took to the mound, and while suffering from a raging case of pink eye, that he got from sneezing on himself all last week, took the win with some help from some amazing defense from yet more random ladies. Erin, who answered the personal, "My Name is Aaron and I Am Lonely", made a diving catch against the House Foreign Affairs Committee that set the tone for the game. The Glove was also helped by a nice young lady who happened to wander by the field and agreed to play catcher. Some on the Glove claimed to have "known" her for some time, but the fact that she said, "You guys are hilarious" over and over again lead one to think she may have never seen anyone on the Glove before the game. Banks was also helped on the mound by some unexpected power at the plate, mostly in the form of a Lisa impostor. While Lisa claimed to have made her return to DC from law school to hunt young men in the Senate for another summer, long time Glovers became suspicious when she hit a ball into the outfield. This lethal combination led to a filling and great tasting 16-11 victory. After the game Pete Banks was quoted as saying, "I really felt good out there today, kind of like Martin Lawrence felt about his career after Boomerang. Besides if Jon Lester can throw a no hitter after cancer, I can throw a ball underhand for an hour".

Provided by Jason "Stop Looking At My Stuffed Dog" Brown

Whats Glove Got to Do With It?

2008-05-19T12:27:00.004-07:00

If there is one thing the Glove approves of it is warming up before physical activity in order to avoid potential injuries or unforeseen catastrophic events involving Natural Light. This general belief holds true before all games, but also for the entire softball season as well. Apparently, the No Talent AZ Clowns do not share the same respect/fear of tweaked hammies and ravaged groins (ask Jeff about this one), and decided to show up with a full team prepared to play an entire game. The Glove refused to back down, and stood by everyone who decided to not show up due to extended spring training, mistimed steroid cycles, or insuring their guitar was correctly tuned for the Hannah Montana song they were planning on playing that night.I’m pretty sure we ended up winning our exhibition game, with some dude wearing jeans, me wearing my Celtics jacket and Heather refusing to catch all balls hit at her. Robb’s diving play at 3rd Base would have made Web Gems if a. He had fielded the ball and b. It didn’t look he was old man tripping over an extension chord. Snakebite decided to give up on his nearly 2 year long pursuit of throwing a ball over hand, and wisely positioned himself at pitcher – where he channeled his inner Chandler and pitched one hell of a game.After the game the Glove descended upon the Rookery where Sick Feed (the official Smell the Glove Band), was busy reminding DC how to bow to the altar of Rock. For what it's worth, I’m pretty sure they played a Flock of Seagulls song, but that's all I can remember because I was too busy having my face melted.

Street Credit Update
Cody nailing a bottle of Early Times in the bar: +12%
Jack and Jen scouting Argentina for new talent: -5%
Jason’s virtuosic air guitar display: +9%
Having to forfeit our first game of the season: -13%
Final Street Credit Rating: 94%

by Pete “The Black Knight” Banks

The Glove Stings the Nostrels

2008-04-11T11:50:00.004-07:00

Another softball season is nigh and it is time to get down to business. I’m sure everyone has been prepping for the season by running through a strenuous regime of jumping jacks and keg stands, but as the Glove is want to do, it is time to go one higher. You might be wondering – does this mean it’s time to choose everyone’s at-bat music? Or maybe we’re actually going to have a practice before the season starts? Those of you thinking these questions are making three crucial mistakes:

The Glove does not “think” it reacts (with ninja like chops).
The Glove does not ask questions, unless the word preceding the “?” is “sassified”, “grappling hook”, or “ear necklace”.
The Glove disproved the effectiveness of practice long ago when an unrehearsed gasoline fight was pulled off flawlessly.

Here is a quick update on all things Glove related:

Last time I checked our street cred rating was at an all-time low 94%. Some of this is due to general inactivity on the diamond, but it is still something to keep an eye on. The off season All Star award goes to Cody Brumfield for drinking a bottle of wine with a homeless person in front of the Black Cat and for continuing his firm stance on avoiding all conversations that are not related to New Orleans.
Since the end of last season Martin Lawrence has released two classic movies - College Road Trip and Welcome Home, Roscoe Jenkins. Wait a minute – the offseason All Star award goes to Martin Lawrence. Better luck next year Cody.
Injury Update: Our own JYo has suffered some kind of a knee injury after an attempt to walk over one thousand miles to display her affection for Captain Sir Loin and more importantly, to upstage the Proclaimers. For the records she made it to mile 8 and was then sidetracked by injury and puppies.

By guest columnist, Pete “The Black Knight” Banks

The Glove's Got No Game

2007-07-18T06:03:00.000-07:00

Since we haven't played a game in a few weeks, I thought I should give an update on what everyone has been up to lately.

Jack: Jack discovered a new feeling of anger, 345th and counting, and plans to display it the next time Jason hits a "double".

Dave: Dave finally played in a game where he fielded every ball cleanly and didn't kick anything. Unfortunately, the game was soccer.

Chandler: Chandler created a band. Chandler survived a freak black ice - bus accident. Chandler threw a shark into a hot tub filled with bikini clad women. Chandler is now a rock star.

Lindsay: Lindsay spent the last couple of weeks studying sock and water technology eventually creating the water sock. After realizing that she had just reinvented the AquaSock, Lindsay went back to doing what she does best, doling out nuggies.

Jeff: In true Smell the Glove form, Jeff took the act of grab-assery to a whole other level. Ladies, you have been forewarned.

Cody: Cody made a new friend. It is a sock puppet. He named it Lendale and it has a drinking problem.

Lane: Lane has been busy guarding his house after the last late night visit by his courteous neighbors. By guarding his house, I mean he’s been baking a lot of cookies and playing Guns N’ Roses at a level that would make Axel weep.

Lisa: Anyone notice that DC hasn't been hit by any natural disasters this summer? Thanks Lisa.

Aaron: Aaron went in search of an actual last name, but the only one available was Aaron. He is now looking into emoticons.

Christian: Christian finally fulfilled a life long dream by seeing two fish “doing it” during a fishing trip on the Bay. After the season, he plans to travel to Africa in order to see if cheetahs do it faster.

Jen: Jen finally figured out how video killed the radio star. She refuses to tell anyone, but she recently dropped out of the Andy Dick Fan Club, and she now hisses at alley cats.

Jason: Jason thought about doing something, like teaching a kid how to read or learning to tango. He decided against these options for the better of us all.

Robb: Robb learned karate. Then, during mid-attack on a dojo he forgot everything except for leg sweeps. The dojo is now a batting cage called “Smell the Gloved Leg Sweep”.

Perlita and Erin: I’m not sure what either of these girls are up to, but I can assure you whatever they are doing, it is one higher.

By guest columnist, Pete “The Black Knight” Banks

Game 6: Smëll All About It

2007-07-10T07:36:00.000-07:00

Date: June 20
Opponent: US Treasury Debt-onators
Location: The Mall
Final: 30-15 W

Almost a full season after appearing on the front page of the WSJ, the Glove made headlines again when their All-American heartthrob pitcher, Chandler Lockhart, caught the eye of two journalists from The Atlanta Journal-Constitution who were doing a write up on a little Mall Ball. The capture of Chandler's magnificent HR hit was on the front page of the online publication and even prompted some talk on the AJC's Braves Blog later of trading outfielder, #25, Andruw Jones for Chandler, who, according to the blogger, can "at least hit a HR." While the Glove is flattered at that suggestion, we're sorry, you can't have him.
As Chandler's fellow Georgians, the Atlantans somehow overlooked our own Dave, Snakebite, Silverman, who for all of his Benny Hill-inspired plays in the early season, smacked the hell out of a Grand Slam in an inning where the Glove nearly ran through the batting order twice.
Everything else that happened in that night's game is ancient history, at least until Jack gives me some stats and Pete gives me the street cred rating. In the meantime, enjoy more photos of Chandler in all of his glory...thank God he was wearing pants to this game.

With the Washington Monument as a backdrop, Chandler Lockhart, who grew up in Marietta, connects for a homer.

4th of July Cancelled Due to Glove's Awesomeness

2007-07-03T07:03:00.000-07:00

Word got out about how awesome is the Glove. Kobayashi took a big wiff, it smëlled so good he was left a gasp for a month and now suffers from arthritis of the jaw. With the hot dog eating champ benched for America's Birthday, President Bush made the difficult decision to cancel the 4th of July, because America is not America unless a skinny Asian can wow onlookers by eating hundreds of hot dogs in a short time frame.

Game 5: The Gods Must Be Crazy – to Try to Rain out The Glove

2007-07-03T06:36:00.000-07:00

Date: June 13
Opponent: No Talent AZ Clowns
Location: Anacostia
Final: 17-16 win

Mother Nature’s attempt to prevent the Glove from its right to play softball led to a full on clash between the Titan of Rawk and the weather. When the storm clouds parted, both sides were left satisfied, and some new settings for the Doppler 3000 suddenly became necessary. The Glove doesn’t like to divulge secrets, but let’s just say when it starts raining beer and the birds begin to sing the entire Bad Company catalogue, you’ll know who to thank.

The wet conditions played right into the Glove’s wheelhouse of headfirst slides and getting on base through mistakes by the other team. I can’t remember most of the game due to intense focus demanded by our Captain, Sir Loin, but the game basically came down to Robb knocking a homerun in the bottom of the 7^th with two outs to win it. Not sure if Snakebite did anything specifically uncoordinated, but I’m going to applaud him for keeping the other team in it, so that our victory was even more crushing. Oh, and Cody just fixed my computer, so I’m pretty sure he made an awesome play or eight.

By guest columnist, Pete “The Black Knight” Banks

Notable Stats: Stat book rained on

Street Cred Rating Update:

Points Gained by Playing In Anacostia: 18%
Points Lost by Christian Not Showing Up: 7%
Points Gained by Disregarding the Whole Metal Bat - Lightning Thing: 12%
Points Lost by Not Playing AC/DC’s “Thunderstruck” During the Game: 3%
Final Street Cred Rating: 94%

Game 4: Smëll it Baby, One More Time

2007-06-12T07:28:00.000-07:00

Date: June 6
Opponent: Fallen Angels
Location: Anacostia
Final: 15-6 loss

Even the addition of a microphone to Chandler’s new AV system could not pump up the Glove enough for a win against the Fallen Angels, and so the Glove continues its losing streak. Erin made her first appearance with some great plays and pitching, but the Glove could not get their act together. Probably a punishment from God for their suckiness, the air-guitar championships were sold out later that night and the Glove could not experience the awesomeness of air-guitar.

Notable Stats:

Lane: 3-3, 3 singles, run scored
Lindsay: 2-4, double, single, run scored
Chandler: 2-3, 2 doubles, run scored, sac fly RBI
Jack: 3-4, 3 singles, run scored
Robb: 3-4, 3 singles
Aaron: 3-4, 3 singles, run scored

Deadweight Award - Pete
Least Missed Award - Cody
Does The Baby Want His Bottle Award - The dude who dislocated his shoulder
Closest to No Pants Award - Chandler
Current Street Cred Rating - 13%

Game 3: Dave Responsible for Glove's Loss

2007-06-12T07:24:00.000-07:00

Date: May 23
Opponent: Non-Pros
Location: The Mall
Final: 11-10 loss

While the Glove was glad to have them on board – Lisa’s return and Perlita’s opening game were overshadowed by a close loss to Non-Pros. After some disappointing innings with a few ridiculous errors, the Glove smelled hope with a late rally that brought the score close, but ended up losing by one run. Dave’s impressively bad judgment as first-base coach cost the team the run that would have tied the game.

Notable Stats

Feintech: 4-4, 3 singles, double, 3 runs scored
Pete: 2-4, double, single, run scored
Christian: 4-4, HR, 3 doubles, run scored
Dave: 3-3, 3 singles, 2 runs scored
Jack: 2-3, 2 singles
Lane: 2-3, 2 singles, 2 runs scored

The Glove Smëlt It and Then Dëlt It.

2007-05-14T13:17:00.000-07:00

Opponent: Zack's N-TAC All-Stars
Date: May 11, 2007
Location: West Potomac Park
Final: 17-16 win

It was the perfect night for an exhibition game with a beautiful sunset reflecting off the Potomac and right into the outfielders’ eyes. Too bad that most of the Glove missed it, skipping out because they were left behind (sorry Aaron), out on dates (a likely story Christian), or otherwise being lame (I’m lookin’ at you Lane). Regardless of the Glove’s short-handedness in the field, they still pulled out a close win over Zack's N-TAC All-Stars.

Despite playing with a Ghost second baseman with several errors (yet still fewer than Dave), a blind Chandler toughing out an entire game pitching in the dark and Jason’s visit from the Beer Vulture, the Glove was successfully able to shoot it and kaboot it with some amazing offense: everyone had a run to write home about.

Notable Stats

Cody: 3-4, single, double, triple, 3 runs scored
Pete: 4-5, two doubles, two singles, 4 runs scored
Jason: 4-5, double, 3 singles, sac fly RBI, 2 runs scored
Chandler: 2-4, single, HR
Feintech: 2-4, 2 singles, 2 runs scored
Jack: 3-4, single, double, triple
Dave: 3-4, 3 singles, 2 runs scored
Jen: 3-4, 3 singles, 2 runs scored

Street Cred Rating Update:
Points Gained With Chandler's Beat Box - 17%
Points Lost By Faceplants - 5.7%
Attempts By Birds To Steal Jason's Street Cred - 1
Final Street Cred Rating - 92%

Game 2: The Sour Smëll of Defeat

2007-05-10T08:32:00.000-07:00

Opponent: Vote for Pedro
Date: Wednesday, May 9^th
Location: The Mall
Final: 8-7 Loss

Music: Jaunty and Patriotic

Woe is The Glove after a devastating loss to Vote for Pedro, a team easily beaten last season. Overwhelmed by patriotism and fanny-pack clad tourists as sweet melodies drifted on the air from Ye Old Guard Fife and Drum Corps on the occasion of Twilight Tattoo 2007 The Glove was in no shape for a win.
Short on players, plagued by the maddening missing-female-auto-out, and suffering from a bout of ham-fisted fielding, The Glove could not get their act together for the win, despite an impressive run, brining the score up from 7-2 to 7-7 in the 6^th inning.
Jen and Aaron warmed up their pitching arms for the first time this season. Jack tried a hand at catcher, where he endured a collision by a nearly retarded member of the opposing team. Cody played Dad with a small child. All-star Jason, with 2 Home Runs and 5 RBIs, is rehabbing his back today after carrying the team. Members of The Glove additionally blamed the loss on their sobriety, and look forward to cold beer and a win this Friday in a friendly exhibition game.

Notable stats

Lindsay: 4-4, 4 singles, 2 runs scored
Jason: 3-4, 2 HR, double, 5 RBI
Jen: 2-3, 2 singles, 1 run scored
Aaron: 2-3, 2 singles, 1 RBI
The Glove's Street Cred Rating:32%
Number of Grown Up Friends Made by Cody: -2
Errors Made by Dave: 5 (It should be noted that Dave did not play in this game)

Game 1: Keep on pushin my love over the border line

2007-05-06T17:05:00.001-07:00

Opponent: Border Liners
Date: Wednesday, May 2nd
Location: Anacostia
Final: 14-2

The Glove smëlled niiice on opening day with a big win over DHS Customs and Border Protection's Border Liners. Chandler gave up 2 earned runs in an 8 inning complete game. Jack, hungry for the plate after hitting his first non-pop fly in three years, was gunned at home after trying to stretch a triple into HR. Without any formal pre-season training, the Glove managed some great fielding, with especially good glovework by Feintech, Pete and Chandler.
Despite their amazing talent, the Glove entertained with made-for-bloopers antics. Jason noodled around the bases as if no one dared to throw him out; Kelly and Dave danced around between first and second, not realizing who was out or where to go on a single play on the bases; Dave was literally knocked on his ass by a line drive; and Cody demonstrated his long distance wine skin shoot on the sidelines.
Over all, the Glove could not have asked for a better opening game.

Notable stats
Cody 3-3: 2 singles, triple, sac fly, 2 runs scored
Chandler 3-4: single, triple, HR, 3 runs scored
Christian 3-3: single, 2 HR, 3 runs scored
Pete 2-3: 2 singles, 1 run scored
Jason 2-3: single, 2 runs scored

For Those About to Rock, We Salute You

2007-04-24T14:25:00.000-07:00

Smёll it again: The Glove, Season Two Roster

JACK
Nickname: Skip, Sir Loin, Sweat Gland
Hobbies: Leading my team to the promised land, fishing to catch boots (10 pair)
Song that describes your personality: Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell by Iggy and the Stooges
What are you looking for in a partner?: Throwing arm, appetite
Strengths: Half smokes, scuba diving
Weaknesses: Swiftness, arsonists

PETER
Nickname: Rick
Favorite Simple Machine: The pulley
Favorite Martin Lawrence Movie: Black Knight
Strengths: Power-jamming, mega-mixing, dutch-ovening
Weaknesses: Unflinching belief in WWJBHD (what would John Basedow's hair do?)

ERIN
Nickname: Eazy-E
Hobbies: Makin' it rain at Camelot, planning seating arrangements
Song that describes your personality: Sexy Back by JT
What are you looking for in a partner?: Sanity
Strengths: Pitching, diplomat-wrangling, break-dance fighting
Weaknesses: Skim mocha cappuccino

JEFF
Nickname: JohnJacobJingleheimerSchmidt, GhettoBird
Favorite Soup: Tomato
Most Notable Sport Acheivement: Threw a no-hitter in the 1987 Raccon Valley Little League Quarter Finals Division A Season 2
Strengths: X-ray vision, fire throwing, immortality
Weaknesses: Kyrpton, Easy E

CHRISTIAN
Nickname: King of the Crest
Hobbies: Watching animals doin' it on the Discovery Channel
Song that describes your personality: Redneck Woman by Gretchen Wilson
What are you looking for in a partner?: A sensitive person who is in touch with their feelings
Strengths: Bourbon
Weaknesses: Bourbon

AARON

Nickname: AB, $ Bill
Hobbies: Macramé, hunting gophers
Song that describes your personality: I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred
What are you looking for in a partner?: A foxy lady
Strengths: Being master of the universe
Weaknesses: Saying no to cheap free beer

JEN

Nickname: Yostinator, The Machete
Hobbies: Sleeping 18 hours, but always partying 24
Song that describes your personality: Bitchin Camaro by Dead Milkmen
What are you looking for in a partner?: Things that make me go "mmm."
Strengths: Dance offs, Fisticuffs, Rapist Wit
Weaknesses: Bullets, my only weakness

DAVE

Nickname: Dave
Hobbies: Denial
Song that describes your personality: Don't Sit Next to Me Just Because I'm Asian by Bruce Lee Band
What are you looking for in a partner?: Candy, gum, chocolate..ok, I really just want a pinata
Strengths: Paying attention
Weaknesses: Huh?

CHANDLER

Nickname: The White Lion, Deezy, Chanzilla, The Chanimal
Hobbies: Skitchin', hashing, any sport that requires natural arm motion (see also: bowling, bocce)
Song that describes your personality: A Day in the Life of a Pool Shark by Idiot Pilot
What are you looking for in a partner?: I'm a lone wolf, sister
Strengths: Kitten Calendars
Weaknesses: Kitten Calendars

LISA

Nickname: Intimmydator, Timmy, T-bag, LT
Hobbies: Ridin' mustaches, collecting antique apothecary bottles
Song that describes your personality: The Warrior by Patty Smyth and Scandal
What are you looking for in a partner?: Someone adept at fighting, screwing and reading the news
Strengths: Shotgunning
Weaknesses: Batting, fielding, earnestness

CODY

Nickname: Wineaux
Hobbies: Drinking and being pretentious
Song that describes your personality: Champagne Charlie
What are you looking for in a partner?: Treacherous cunning, inveiglement, and a waist-to-hip ratio of 0.7
Strengths: Many, all effortless
Weaknesses: Many, none effortless

LINDSAY

Nickname: Lindsay Austin Big as Boston, Big Sexy, Austin 3:16
Hobbies: Drinkin' wine to fit in, Prison documentaries, Smёllin' Gloves
Song that describes your personality: Jennifer Lopez's My Love Don;t Cost a Thing (the remix)
What are you looking for in a partner?: Ambidexterousness and hygiene
Strengths: Cartwheels and Backtalk
Weaknesses: Inability to pay attention while driving

JASON

Nickname: People called me Shaggy
Hobbies: Making Mac and Cheese
Song that describes your personality: Mudvayne: Happy
What are you looking for in a partner?: Exquisite breasts
Strengths: Skateboarding, Making Jack and Pete cry
Weaknesses: Communists, Bill Clinton, Brittany Spears, Cody

I Can Feel It Comin...

2007-04-24T07:31:00.001-07:00

Following a devastating loss in the first round of playoffs, Smёll the Glove’s memories of last season may be filled with the eerie refrain, In the Air Tonight by Phil Collins and lots of star wipes, but the upcoming season is already set to the upbeat tune of Sussudio. After gracing the front pages of the WSJ in an article on tougher ethics rules, the Glove is back and better than ever with new teammates for a new season. So, here’s to Smёll the Glove Part Deux, and another season of pissing off our opponents with drunken plays, bad trash-talking and obnoxious fan commentary!

No Free Lunch: New Ethics Rules Vex Capitol Hill

Ban on Lobbyists' Gifts Alters Wining, Dining; Eating With a Toothpick

By BRODY MULLINS
January 29, 2007; Page A1

...Because the rules ban gift-giving by lobbying groups, dozens of amateur softball teams on Capitol Hill will no longer be allowed to accept balls, bats and league fees from corporations and lobbying organizations. The Nuclear Energy Institute's sponsorship of the team of Rep. Joe Barton, a Texas Republican who until recently headed the Energy and Commerce Committee, could be in trouble.

"I don't think you will see that happening anymore," said Bill Sells, a lobbyist with the Sporting Goods Manufacturers Association. The trade group will provide plastic bases to the league, but only if they are returned at the end of the season.

Team sponsorship by bars and restaurants is still OK, provided they don't use registered lobbyists. That means the "Smell the Glove" team from the office of Rep. William Jefferson, a Louisiana Democrat, can still receive support from Trusty's, a Capitol Hill bar.

Game 9: Right in the Tit

2006-08-07T06:26:00.000-07:00

Game Date: 2 August 2006
Location: The Mall
Opposing Team: Trumania
Score: W: 19 - 6

The Yostinator was unable to post last week; she and Swets were off in Florida enjoying the pleasant, high 80s with a nice sea breeze while the rest of the Glove swat their lives away in the 110 degree hell that was the District.
Originally scheduled to play the River Rats, the Glove had to find a new opponent after the Rats wussed out. Not much of a report was passed on to accompany the Glove's win, but the following email from Mr. Brum sums up the game perfectly.

Jen,

I don't know if you need someone to write up what happened at the last game but here's my version of events:

P. Banks hit the opposing pitcher in the tit.

Did we win? Not important. Did the replacement players play well? Who knows. All that matters is that P. Banks hit the other team's pitcher in the tit.

-Cody

Smëll the Pain!

Game 8: Where's Christian? Is Christian coming?

2006-07-28T08:17:00.000-07:00

Game Date: 26 July 2006
Location: The Mall
Opposing Team: DAC Attack
Score: W: 16 - 5

While DAC Attack was pressuring the Glove to start play or forfeit (at around 6:25), the Smëllers of the Glove questioned, "Where's Christian? Is Christian playing tonight?" Good question, as Christian's mad batting skillz landed him the only homerun of the game when he popped the ball over the tractor trailer parked in centerfield.
Matt went 4 for 5 and scored four runs in his new spot as leadoff hitter. Lisa hit the ball well, sending a few line drives past the third baseman. Beth held her own in the field and wisely held the ball while being run into at second base by multiple runners. Congrats to Beth on a job well done in her first pickle.
The Funk pitched four innings and gave up three runs, Yostinator pitched three and gave up two runs. Funk left the baseball cap at home for maximum hair flow while rounding the bases.
Swets tried but barely failed multiple times at hitting the truck out in centerfield. Pete, Chandler, and Jack all showed off their range in the outfield by taking away several hits.
Speaking of taking hits: The Glove learned from the Trusty's bartender that other teams have been talking smack about the Glove behind our backs and ON OUR TURF. Step up, bitches, you got something to say - you say it to the Glove...just before we make you smell it!

Game 7: Playin' the Naked Bongos

2006-07-20T06:12:00.000-07:00

Game Date: 19 July 2006
Location: The Mall
Opposing Team: Vote for Pedro
Score: W: 14 - 9
This game was closer than the Glove would have liked, but Matt's celebrity-like hottness was the major distraction of the evening. A group of tourists mistakenly pointed out our teammate as Matthew McConaughey and mobbed him at the top of the third inning. Matt survived the attack and we refused to let him play the naked bongos.
While Smëll the Glove was a little sloppy last night, allowing the 7-man team Vote for Pedro to keep the score close, the winning streak remains unbroken. This is the 6th consecutive team the Glove has held back from breaking double digits.
Smëll the Glove celebrated, as always, at Trusty's where the world's longest, most cut-throat game of UNO ensued. Smëll the Glove is devistated to lose Jill, who played her last game before heading out on her world tour - thanks Jill, we'll miss you!

Game 6: Spanking Arizona

2006-07-11T09:12:00.000-07:00

Game Date: 10 July 2006
Location: Anacostia Park
Opposing Team: Raising Arizona
Score: W: 11 - 9

Smëll the Glove collectively lost 10lbs yesterday sweatin’ (and dopin’) it up in a muggy Anacostia Park. Our opponents, Raising Arizona, opened the game with a five run lead, forcing the Glove to put down their drinks and ack right. Eleven runs and a screaming match later, Smëll the Glove walked off the field the victors.
The high grass was our toughest opponent, but Smëll pulled out all the stops. Cody scored some points for beautiful in-air slo-mo catches. Pete did some heads-up base running, but the would-be score was called out by Raising Arizona’s most senior player and sent him packing back to third. Lisa was en fuego with base running and was unforch robbed of a run when tagged out at third base. Jackson finally started hitting line drives instead of popups. Yostinator opened game with a strike out spent the whole game on the mound. As usual, Christian hit the hell out of the ball.
Following the victory, Smëll and some of the players from Raising Arizona had an impromptu home run derby before trucking to Trusty’s to watch it fo’ real. Representin’ for those fine Philadelphia Phillies, Ryan Howard took home the big win (following in Bobby Abreu’s footsteps from last year). Way to go Howard!!

There can be only one!

2006-07-06T06:50:00.000-07:00

Legend has it there's another team in town by the same name. This town isn't big enough for two teams with the same rad name. Bring it, Smëll the Glove II, let's battle this one out on the Diamond!

Congressional Baseball Game 2006: The Perspective of a Completely Unbiased Dem Who Helped His Party Train for the Game and Even Sat In the Dugout

2006-06-30T11:07:00.000-07:00

by Swets Swetland

After years of defeats at the hands of the Repos, the Dems were prepared to fight, for once. With a new coach, Mad Dog Mike Doyle from PA, looking to shake up the stagnant lineup, and a brutal practice schedule, the time was ripe for a breakout Dem victory. The boys in blue had suffered indignities at the hands or the Repos for long enough, and the streak was about to end. Or so we thought.

Facing a pitcher who has flummoxed the Dems in the past, John Shimkus of IL, the game started out with all the breaks going the Dems' way. Shimkus didn't have much on his fastball, and the top of the order made solid contact and was helped by a few well-placed hits. Despite this, the Dems couldn't capitalize on several opportunities and left men stranded on the bases. Defensive difficulties began in the third, resulting in a slew of unearned runs on Dem starter Joe Baca. As the game wore on, the Repos kept adding to their lead, with no scoring in return from the Dems. Big Bill Shuster, Chip Pickering, and Repo MVP Kenny Hulshof all made consistent contact all night and gave the Dems fits. After six and a half innings, the Repos prevailed with their 12 ill-gotten runs, compared with a measly 1 for us Dems.

Tough loss this year for the Dems, but that hasn't stopped us before. Lord knows games like this have happened often. We'll be back at 'em next year, and who knows, maybe we'll have an infusion of talent in next year's game once we pick up a bunch of seats in the House.

P.S. the below entries are not at all biased...by Swets Swetland

Actual MVP: Joe Baca. Pitched 4.1 innings and gave up 8 runs, only 4 of which were earned. Not a bad effort considering the defense he had to deal with.

Shoulda Been MVP: Russ Carnahan. The little-used OF/pinch runner came in on short notice, and promptly put C Richard Pombo on his ass on a FOUL ball.

Goat: Tim "E-5" Ryan. Not showing up for practices has a direct effect on one's ability to field grounders (and hit, for that matter). See to it that the same thing doesn't happen when you're QB for the flag football team against the Capitol Police.

Bush League player of the night: Who else? "Dick" Santorum. Bowled over C Tim Holden while he didn't even have the ball and didn't stop on the way back to the dugout and his gloating teammates. Not to mention he's shaped like a pear and having a horrible voting record. Also, he's a book thief and a line-budger.

Play of the Night: Debatable, but Anthony Weiner throwing out a runner at third from CF gets the nod. Also gets props for his shit-talking abilities and rally-cap enthusiasm.

Historical Moment: Linda Sanchez, who hit a scorching grounder past a diving Sen. Ensign at shortstop, was the first woman to get a hit in the history of the congressional game.

Shooting Star Award: Jay Inslee, who roped a nice line drive down the left field line in his first at-bat, then promptly left the game with a hamstring injury. Ice it down, man, ice it down.

Hard Luck Award: William Jefferson, who fell victim to the only athletic play made by a Republican all night when his pop-up to C Gresham Barrett bounced off his glove, and into the diving glove of P John Shimkus...and that's the only problem William Jefferson has.

Honorable Mention: Brian Baird, who hit a triple to lead off the 3rd inning, saw his effort wasted when no one stepped up and delivered a hit to score him.

Put Me In Coach Award: Steven Lynch, who hadn't even informed anyone that he could play catcher, relieved Tim Holden behind the plate and gave a solid defensive effort over two innings.

Best Dressed Award: Another one goes to Linda Sanchez, for her UCLA jersey featuring the number "IX". I'm not going to explain the joke if you don't see the significance of a woman wearing that particular Roman numeral. And while I'm no fan of the Tar Heels, Mike McIntyre looked sharp in his Carolina blue jersey.

Conformity Award: Three players wore Pittsburgh Pirates jerseys: Dem coach Mike Doyle, and Repo players Melissa Hart and Santorum. Maybe these steel city lovers would have more luck swinging a pick axe than a baseball bat.

Breakout Dem: Only because I predicted this before the game, Ben Chandler went 1-2 at the plate and fielded well at second. Look for him to be a big part of the Dems' lineup for years to come.

Smëll More Pics

Smëll the Glove on Ridin' Durty

2006-06-29T08:26:00.000-07:00

Due to a mini-monsoon, this week's game was rescheduled. This, however, did not dissuade Smëll the Glove from their usual antics. Some supicious chatter was picked up over the Smëll the Glove communication lines in regard to post-Congressional Baseball game mayhem:

J:Anyone going to the Baseball game tonight?

J2:I will be working tonight...any and all of you are welcome to come by and hit me up for beers. Just be sure to do the secret hand shake.

P:For those of you not "in the know" the secret handshake begins with a donkey punch and ends with, surprisingly enough, a handshake.

C:I thought the donkey punch was for free whiskey, the rusty trombone is for the free beer, right? Maybe I am confusing things with the secret handshake at Remington's.

J:But WHAT does the Jelly Donut get you?

D:Some napkins.

C: I'll be enlisting my trusty "Francois Papillion Arch" move.

L: What about a Dirty Sanchez from the barback?

C: Thanks, everyone. I just had a meeting with a consultant and I giggled like an idiot for half the meeting. Until Lisa went too far. Then I stopped laughing immediately.

Honestly, no one thought to throw in the Cleveland Steamer?

Game 6: Gettin' Hot in Hurr

2006-06-22T10:51:00.000-07:00

Game Date: 21 June 2006
Location: Anacostia
Opposing Team: Out Fielders
Score: W: 23 - 2
It was a hot, hot game on the first day of summer, but the always-cool Smëll the Glove managed a big win over Team Out Fielders. Funk and Chandler hit big homeruns early-on; Swets took a time-out from hitting pop-ups to crush the ball for a homer later in the game. Cody went 4-4 at the plate and Yostinator, Funk, Chandler, Pete, and Jill were all 3-4.
The real talent in last night’s game, however, was not the batting or fielding so much as the ability to enjoy the Champagne of Beers in the midst of play. Cody even managed his base-hits with a Jack and Coke in-hand. Two words come to mind after last night’s game: Stay Classy.
At Trusty’s everyone cooled down with a few pitchers and, as usual, UNO. A few brave souls from Team Out Fielders joined us and quickly got put to shame by Yostinator who schooled everyone in the card game, especially Matt.

Pinko's Are Athlete's Too

2006-06-15T10:14:00.000-07:00

Today the Commissioner of our softball league sent an email to team leaders explaining that our league has become the topic of some brief media discussion. While I am way too cheap to go and buy ESPN Magazine just to read the article, I do plan on watching further news develop on the Daily Show next Monday or Tuesday night when the story is set to air. The following were in the D's from the Commish himself:

ESPN MAGAZINE ARTICLE NOTES OUR LEAGUE IS "KIND OF COMMUNIST !"

The ESPN Magazine on the stand now...June 19th edition with John Daly on the cover...on page 44, describes the split in leagues and attributes the other league's commissioner as describing our league handicapping of our first round of tournament play as "kind of communist!"

THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART WILL AIR ITS "NEWS" ABOUT OUR LEAGUE

Set your Tivo, DVD and VCR recorders for the Daily Show with Jon Stewart for next Monday and Tuesday evenings. The producer for the show e-mailed to say that coverage of our league will air next Monday on Comedy Central at 11 PM. It will repeat on Tuesday on Comedy Central at 8 PM.
The correspondent began by asking if I agreed that "Republican chicks are better looking than Democratic chicks." Even though our league rarely plays with balls and strikes, he asked several questions about "what a ball is," so you may get an idea of where the interview may lead. It should be a fun and irreverent piece.

Obviously, we all know that Dem Chicks are way hotter than Repos (get those brows waxed ladies!), but that is neither here nor there.

Game 5: You Wanna Talk Some Jive? Oh We'll Talk Some Jive!

2006-06-15T06:31:00.000-07:00

Game Date: 14 June 2006
Location: The Mall
Opposing Team: PA Scrubs
Score: W: 13 - 8
Last night's Smëll the Glove victory was the most satisfying yet. In what was literally an uphill battle (home plate sat at the base of the upwardly inclining field), Smëll the Glove pulled off an amazing win over PA Scrubs.
Starting off the game one player short and with only two of the three required female players, Smëll the Glove worked out a plan to play on with the disadvantage of an automatic out each time that 9th phantom player was “up to bat”. PA Scrubs clearly did not size up the power of the Glove; even a man short, we kept the game tied up for the first few innings until the arrival of Christian (a.k.a. Bo Jackson) who skillfully played kickball on the opposing field and softball all at once.
As Smëll the Glove’s score grew, so did the regret on the part of PA Scrubs that they did not force a forfeit for our inadequate numbers. Things took a turn for the worst as sass-mouth got the best of us and the heckling took center-stage both on and off the field. The result: PA Scrubs’ passive-aggressive first base coach –slash- umpire –slash- town cheat ended up stealing and discarding the expensive Belgian ales of the loyal Smëll the Glove fans. The debacle nearly resorted to fisticuffs and calling the game at a tie in the last inning (score: 8-8). However, tie is nowhere in Smëll the Glove’s vocabulary and we urged PA Scrubs to suck it up and Play on MacBeth (as my old coach Diesher used to say)!Everyone on Smëll the Glove was an allstar last night. Lane hit a beautiful homerun deep into the kickballers opposite our field, Ed was en fuego with four runs, Cody was outstanding at first base, Pete manuevered through the kickball field to make some amazing catches, Matt saw a lot of action catching at home and Beth encouraged everyone by promising sexual favors. I, the Yostinator, pitched the entire game and managed to get a few decent lobs over the plate from uphill on the mound, but what goes around comes around and I was quickly shut up by the taunting from the other team in the last innings…oh yeah AND Cody. The fabulous Jill joined us to fill the gap of the third female and was an amazing asset to the team. Great game Smëll the Glove, let’s keep this streak alive!
After such a long and emotional match, Smëll the Glove was glad to meet again at Trusty's for beers, UNO and strippers. Chandler and Jack even made it out to join in the celebration after missing the game. Beth won UNO.

Game 4: In the words of Johnny Drama, VIC-TOR-Y!

2006-06-08T11:24:00.000-07:00

While I unfortunately missed this HUGE win for Smëll the Glove, many thanks to Dave (who I SWORE said he had a big, ugly pussy in his email) for the recap:

Game Date: 7 June 2006
Location: The Forgotten Field at Foggy Bottom
Opposing Team: Williams Mullet
Score: W: 17 - 7

Members of Smëll the Glove stumbled into work this morning nursing their hangovers with Gatorade and hiding their blood-shot eyes behind sunglasses after last night's victorious spanking of Team William's Mullet.
At least every player on Smëll the Glove made a base-hit last night and a majority of the team triumphantly crossed home plate.
Big ups to Jason, Sergio, Mark, Natalia, and Gainer who joined us for the first time yesterday, and accounted for six runs. Word to the Moms of Beth, Cody and Sergio for their beautiful double play.
Pete, Chandler, and Dave went 3 for 4 at the plate and Dave is gimping around with a big, ugly, pusy gash in his knee from a slide into home. Chandler pitched the entire game and Pete's Bucket catch kept all the flies out of left-field.
AWESOME GAME Smëll the Glove!!!
While little is remembered of the celebration that followed at Trusty's, the drunk-dials of Pete and Lisa can attest to the good old fashion debauchery that ensued.

Game 3: We Are the Champions!

2006-06-01T07:53:00.000-07:00

Game Date: 31 May 2006
Location: The Ellipse
Opposing Team: Food Fighters
Score: W: 8 - 4
Not heat, humidity nor the delay due to presidential helicopter transport could hold Smëll the Glove back from this win over Team Food Fighters. The biggest applause goes out to MVPs Chandler, Pete, Cody and Christian for their amazing homeruns.

Big ups also go to Dave for his advance home on an errant throw (to quote scorekeeper Cody), to Pete and Beth for their magnificent double play and to UNO MVP Lane.

Overall, everyone deserves applause for some amazing hits, awesome fielding and great base-running. Welcome to the new players who made it out, we're on our way to a great season! Way to turn it up to 11 Smëll the Glove!!

Smëll the Glove Allstar's TV Debut

2006-05-24T07:36:00.000-07:00

JOSHUA FUNK, allstar player for team Smëll the Glove, made his television debut on Tuesday when cameras captured him forcably removing a heckler from Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton's speech at the National Press Club. Although the Heckling Granny put up quite a fight, Funk was able to subdue the nay-sayer without mussing up his perfectly coiffed hair.

The heckler was quoted as saying, "My, that strapping young lad who carried me out was so big and strong." While Funk takes no interest in Cougars, he did mention that his season with Smëll the Glove thus far has helped him to shape the guns that took care of the job.

Click here for full story and VIDEO

Game 2: I can't, I can't, I can't stand losing

2006-05-18T07:39:00.000-07:00

Game Date: 17 May 2006
Location: East Potomac Park
Opposing Team: Alphabet Soup
Score: L: 10 - 16

With ducks were literally on the field, the opportunity for a win presented itself early in the game when Alphabet Soup looked to throw in the towel after only three rainy innings. But the gloves had not been smëlled all season and Smëll the Glove adamantly persisted. There were some gorgeous hits and beautiful plays, but Smëll the Glove just didn't pull it off. Through the rain and poor heckling, the game resulted in a devastating 10-16 loss. Good times, good beer and UNO followed at Trusty’s.

Game 1: So close you could smell it and yet so far

2006-05-18T07:33:00.000-07:00

Game Date: 5 May 2006
Location: Anacostia Park Field #1
Opposing Team: Fallen Angels
Score: n/a

Due to record lameness and conflicting schedules, this game was postponed for later in the season.

Ye Olde Team Photo

2006-05-04T08:25:00.000-07:00

Click to Enlarge

Smellin' It and Smellin' It and Smellin' It Well

2006-04-24T10:07:00.000-07:00

We're not asking, we're telling. We'll kick your ass. We'll kick your ass cause you're the man. We are Smëll The Glove:

Name: Chandler
Nickname: The White Lion
Hobbies: Sailing the Chesapeake on "Yachty By Nature", bocce, rooftoppin', treetoppin' and bar hoppin'.
Strengths: Bird dogging, crushing SCUDS, domination
Weaknesses: You are serious with this question?

Name: Lane
Nickname: Commander Cool
Hobbies: Making bad decisions, Singing 80's Power Ballads
Strengths: I bring NOTHING to the table, seriously.
Weaknesses: Schizophrenia

Name: Dave
Nickname: n/a
Hobbies: n/a
Strengths: n/a
Weaknesses: RAAARRRR!!

Name: Jack
Nickname: Swets, Sweat Gland, Swetty Balls, Jackson
Hobbies: Pumping Iron, Hangin' out at Litteri's, Smackin' my Bitch up
Strengths: Pointless Trivia, Punk Rock, Hulk-like anger
Weaknesses: A good S.I.L.F., Hulk-like anger

Name: Jessica
Rap Name: J. Sucka
Street Cred Rating: 72%
Favorite finger: Middle
Hobbies: Get groups of other staff assistants together and pretend to be constituents from John Boehner’s district and make his staff give you capitol tours all the time; having long and frequent conversations with my two best friends Jack and/or Bud; laughing at myself when I can’t remember my address after a visit with Jack and/or Bud

Name: Christian
Nickname: King of the Crest
Hobbies: Watching animals doin' it on the Discovery Channel
Strengths: Bourbon
Weaknesses: Bourbon

Name: Lisa
Nickname: The Intimmydator
Hobbies: Ridin' Moustaches
Strengths: Shotgunning (pref. PBR)
Weaknesses: Batting and Fielding

Name: Josh
Nickname: J. Funk
Hobbies: Cross stitch, Scrap-booking, Finding stuff to do with all the junk inside my trunk
Strengths: Awesome hair
Weaknesses: Bullets

Name: Cody
Nickname: Mr. Brumfield
Hobbies: Paddle-boating, Jumping on my tiny trampoline
Strengths: High tolerance for alcohol, Low center of gravity, Cheetah-fast speed
Weaknesses: Low tolerance for sass-mouth, Asian chicks

Name: Jen
Nickname: Yostinator, J-Yo
Hobbies: Listening to Neil Diamond, Kuttin’ Headz
Strengths: Drunk-dialing
Weaknesses: Drunk-dialing

Name: Peter
Nickname: Roger
Hobbies: Getting hepped up on ludes, Killing unicorns
Strengths: Ted Nugent-like wit
Weaknesses: Being sexist, or is that sexy?

Name: Beth
Nickname: The Commish
Hobbies: Digging holes in the outfield
Strengths: Affection for gin and tonics
Weaknesses: Men with buff arms